who's going to drive you home?

"...you say goodbye when underneith's your one belief."

so i was thinking.
about motivation. inspiration.
in class today, i found my self back in the same place i started from.
like always...

understand:

i dance to help me rationalize things.
deal with things.
remember.
forget.
fly.

to rationalize and to deal with is not to let go.
it's to manipulate emotions into a productive catalyst.
it's motivation to move through space.

the problem is...
when one single person is the source of your inspiration,
you recall the face, the emotions - - be they anger, passion, love, restlessness - -
they are readily and easily pulled to the surface.

they are deliberatly acessible
you put them there.

how do you get over something that is such a prevalent part of your every day.
everyday because i have class almost every day and lets just say my surroundings for the past year have been anything but inspiring.

i depend on my love, and frustration, and even hate for him.
not healthy necessarily, i mean a healthy way to deal with these emotions sure,
but not a healthy way to depend on someone.
not a healthy source of continuouse inpiration.

but you know... i have the whole situation, all of my emotions, most everything, figured out.
its rationalized irrationally in my mind, and i know exactly what it was, would have been, could have been, won't be and will be.
it's refreshing in someways to be so aware.

but this awareness leads me to the undeniable fact
i have to say goodbye to him next week.
he'll be states away.

selfishly enough i am afraid i will lack in inspiration.
and even more, i am afraid i will pull at every last heart string so that i can move with a purpose, and in the process hurt myself. (emotionally of course.)
i won't get over it if i have to keep pulling in to the surface.

all of this delays the "healing" process, but no one else inspires me.
it's to late to stop it now.
it's ritual.
i depend on it.

quite the paradox.

i don't know how to say goodbye to him.
i never have.

the only one who knows that side of me,
the only one that never deserved my trust,
but ironicly the only one i have ever trusted.

independant, and reliable due to content, sources shared with me recentlly that they could admit that it was obviously love.
- - mutual love.

for once an admitance that i didn't fabricate the whole thing
because if you knew the people around me that is what you would think.
finally acknowledgement of the fact that i too love and hurt.

there is a strength that both of us draws from the fear, the niave passion, the tension, between us.
what happens when that travels across borders?

this space is needed.
a long time coming.

i just don't know where to go from here.