this space

poison

you are detriment 

to me -    seeking

pleasure against your

 will.  (my mind). 

did you 

find

what you wanted ?

here

under me, 

my skin. 

bury this alive

Does happiness strain credibility? Is there something in the human spirit that distrusts its own appetite, its own yearning for healing and contentment? 

- T. O'Brien 

Can we distrust our own capacity to create happiness for ourselves? is it  subconscious sabotage . . can we place people in our lives to fulfill superficial needs and reject the emotional outcome? or flip side; can we create and apply specific emotions to certain people to make them what we need?

how long can you hang on to something before it becomes redundant? before you stop asking the questions that matter because you doubt your capacity to adapt to new needs and wants? (progression of emotional healing?)

better yet how many boundaries are we willing to cross to test our subconscious; our emotional endurance? 

why do we do this? is it to make life feel real, "like it's supposed to?" is it to consciously sabotage ourselves because we in fact don't trust happiness? 

what gets us to that point? the point where we don't trust happiness . . 

perhaps it is because happiness that is not self made is unstable, or because we build happiness around people outside of ourself. if this happens how is it possible to be secure in this state? to be content i have found i have to be contented from the inside out . . relying on anything else (people, places, etc.)  is a mine field of false security - self destructive security.  

 

so what happens when you find security in self destruction? what happens when you rely on constant disappointment? do you put yourself in these situations because there is something safe in predictability? and once a predictable pattern of disappointment has been found do your not seek it out? 

because, back to square one, doesn't ritual seal love? 

how do you not "love" or "want" something that you have disillusioned yourself - conditioned yourself - to sustain yourself with?

i guess the real question is . . how do you strip down false pretenses of contentment and rebuild them on a sincerely personal level?  

(and how do you not do that alone?) 

disappear here

i am transparent touch.

felt, 

 forgotten - 

never held sincerely 

neither memory 

nor flesh. 

bound by existential 

forging. bound(aries)

need-want 

possession

saves me for your amnesia.