of a crumbling

i am attracted to people who can't take responsibility for their emotions. Maybe its to counter act my hyper awareness when it comes to my emotions .. or maybe it's a defense mechanism .. get involved with the ones who don't know what they want, or how to know, so that when you run he runs too and you can blame it on his lack of emotional competence. 

but then again .. who isn't more than a little afraid of being completely aware of what they're feeling? 

about the lily

is it possible to perceive a persons feeling about yourself? or are your perceptions always skewed with what you want to happen? is it even possible to know a person without personal gain influencing how you consider someone? 

or is it possible that things can be so clear that even what is wanted to or what should happen is apparent any way? and can they be the same?

is it realistic to think someone can unconsciously alternate their social strategies to protect themselves from something they fear? or fear wanting?

want must contain an element of fear, right? because if we weren't a little frightened of what we wanted there would be very little to stop us from obtaining it.. right? 

or maybe it is the projection of superficial want as a way to desensitize ourselves to what we need. and maybe what is needed is what is truly feared . .

and the river

to be

   of

to be 

    in 

to begin 

to be 

   with

to be 

    next to 

to know 

to be 

   known

to be 

    consumed 

to exist 

to be 

    understood by

to be 

    of 

someone. 

what silence can

the absence of something 

dreaded. fulfilling a need -  

something so needed it is wanted. 

a means to an end 

from the only beginning 

known.   remembered. 

mattered. 

what kills you doesn't matter like you want it to. 

like you need. 

we're made up but what matters - flawed boundaries 

patterns of moon

                     dark

 

the breaking of ritual 

and the significance of noticing. 

what if your eyes close

what gives emotion credibility? is it the ability to reproduce that emotion time and time again .. is it repetition that assigns credibility? or is it hindsight? the ability to reproduce a familiar emotion in a situation you recognize as more relevant than the first time the emotion was produced? 

does an emotion need to be creditable? does it need to be justified to be felt .. of course not. but if we do not need to justify our emotions, weather stagnant or evolving, then how do we find purpose in what we are pursuing? 

i'm not asking that emotion be rational, and maybe credibility is to much to ask as well .. but what i am looking for is what causes this emotion and what does or does not happen to make us believe in what we are feeling?

is it someone who acts different so we avoid transference and so feel the same emotions as new ones? or do we look for familiarity so as to profit from this same transference? 

this - it is clear- varies depending on what is being sought after. 

or is it that we need to experience familiarity without the temptation of transference? and maybe it is that lack of blending memories and people within that familiarity that makes things right for us. maybe it is feel familiarity with someone who is not and not needing to transfer past experience onto this person to make yourself comfortable. 

or could it be that genuine emotion can only be felt when one is completely devoid of familiarity? 

and how can we know?

fate once it's happened

if you are consciously aware of your unconscious defense mechanisms does that give you the ability to intersect them? or does it give you the chance to stand on the sidelines and watch yourself sabotage what could be good .. or could hurt .. or could follow the pattern that your subconscious has been constructed to prevent you from feeling . . again?

and if you know how your subconscious will function to destroy what you are scared of is it then conscious self sabotage to let your unconscious defense mechanisms take control?  are you acknowledging your subconscious only to step aside and let it do what you are scared it will do? because if you were truly going to make changes in your responses you would intersect the defense mechanism that sabotages potential.

or are you subconsciously so scared of that potential that you are unconsciously letting your conscious think it is in control? can you ever really be in complete control of your own emotional functioning? or is that the essential element that closes you off from connecting to other people?  

can you override all of this and just get what you want .. or is it that you can know all this about yourself and still not know what you want?

or if it is what you need - 

what if i leave

i have a window. 

that period of time where i can let myself feel one way or the other, and i've come to notice that this window is very small. but is that fair? if i meet a nice, genuine person is it fair that they have the same size window as someone who is not? 

and really, do i have any control over the size of this window?

or is it that i shouldn't worry about the opening and closing of the window but what gets through it while the window is open?

.  .  . 

is it the breaking of patterns that has me thinking like this? because if the pattern is broken doesn't that mean that the propensity for development of feeling - of love - is also broken? of course . . so if one pattern is broken doesn't it mean that more self destructive patterns can also be broken and the stage set for new ones to be formed?

or not even new ones to be formed .. but for freedom. . for emotion to be felt. its a freedom from my own responses. 

because all i want is to be a full person, and full people are not torn from ritual but liberated from it. 

 can chance be a catalyst of this liberation? can coincidence or what is meant to be or what ever else be the start of the broken routine? and is it significant that this catalyst was not in my control? does this cheapen this new found freedom? or is it truly the only way to feel free?

maybe its a mixture of everything .. or maybe it is a mixture of nothing but my own personal justification .. either way something is changing .. or something else is at least gaining potential.