its not that it's not me, it's that it would have been someone else had i left. it's the not being enough, not being even an inkling, that its impossible to walk away from.
something about sober thoughts in a different state, something about my not liking my body enough to make things work. something about a lack of something else.
knowing that if i had left it was going to be someone else, no matter who was in the room, and knowing that that someone else would have faked innocence in the face of substance to get ahead.
because it's not just one night and too many beers to me, because its 11 years worth of might be and maybe's, because i'm not enough, or not right now, or not ever because i'm too close. . because i'm not ever anything that they need.
thats why i won't be ok. atleast not tonight.
