Memories are films about Ghosts

i feel like my writing -- if i continue to write in the same vein that i have been -- will become redundant.

i despise that.
the constant circles that your thoughts go in.
-- so many circles that you are buried and can't get out. can't breath.


i don't want to become redundant. writing looses clarity that way.

so let me try this:

part of love is longing for routine.
so then why
is not part of routine a longing for love?

exactly.

it's walls. it comes back to walls. and ghosts, and demons, and pasts.
it comes back to things only the induvidual can touch.
only the induvidual can dismiss.

but why can't another person inspire someone to dismiss them?

i want to be -- will be -- that person.

reconfiguring my senses

i know something here
i. know. it.

stop typing it-- it makes it real--more concrete.
it's just that the more i write it. the stronger i will feel it.

damnit.

...maybe it's not enough to know yourself.
or, maybe it's too much.

unitended emotional crimes

you see this huge glimps of a person, see them in the heat of the thing they are most passionate about, know right at that moment that this a person you want...need...to be close too and you put up walls.

you put up walls because you know thats what he wants, and you know that is what he has done.

who am i to break down these walls?
arnt i always angry when someone trys to tear down mine?

or am i just scared?
... better yet has anyone actually acknowledged that there are walls that need to be taken down.

thats it.
i see these walls...his walls...and i want to tear them down.
where's the green light?
i don't even know where to look for it.

is it bad to lie to yourself this much?
you are putting up walls to block out what you have spent so long looking for...

or is it just that i want so much what i can't have?
no it's more than that.

Unvield, Uncovered, Conqured

one of these days i'll catch up to my addictions
one of these days i'll be more than just "on the mend"

soon you'll come to know
i am more than you get to see.

i find it almost ironic
a parallelism if you'll forgive my scholastic referance
that the 1st never got to know, or cared to learn anything about who i was. it was nothing intellectual, or verbal even. it was stricktly relations in the ways of shared breath, chemistry,tounges, and stolen looks. none-the-less it made an impression. although not the most pure..innocent...of impressions.

the parallelism?
now there are so many walls baring a literal touch, that they are few and far between (but not the least bit less enticing or personal as the above)...although much more pure, and for that i am thankful. (even if the reason for said purity is what makes all this twice as compilcated)
this is the learning about another human being- inside and out. sharing- willingly, excitedly- what makes you tick, and what doesn't. finding the induvidual self as well as putting the "I" back out there again and letting someone get close again. or in my case - for the 1st time. i'm learning more...through communtication...because for once it is the priority. the rest is just the extra tacked on at the end of the day. and in many ways i think that means more.

it's comming out from under the rubble. it's learning to open up with/to all the things that matter. it's trusting someone. it's the best thing for me.

i still want the first to know who i am. but not as much as i want to know who i am. all the things that motivated me through the past 2 years finaly make sense. i thought he had all the answers i was looking for. turns out i have the answers and i just need the right person to ask the right questions, and care about the answers.


Arthur Miller was dead on when, in after the fall, he wrote:

"I think it is a mistake to even look for hope outside one's self"

we Kill with Abstractions

why do we play with fire?
why do we run our finger
through the flame?

actions speak louder than words:

if i fermly believe that am i myself a hypocrate?
think about it -

is say religously that i am "over it"
that i am miles away and don't want to return.
but yesterday proves that a lie.

there for
the action drowns out my constant reiteration
that i am strong enough to leave.

but...i am the first to want believe that his publicly posted "i miss you..i'm broken" rehtoric contradict our late night phone calls and sun rise visits.

i want so much to believe that his actions speak louder than his words
but i unfairly expect my words to out shaddow my actions.

hypocrasy is one of my biggest pet peves.
and look
even that is hypocritical.

i hate how much sense that makes
i can't wrap my mind around it quite yet

Fear or love baby?
Don't say the
answer
Actions speak louder than words...

A Most Dangerous Game

i fell back into a trap today.
confused, angry, niavely hopeful,
i recogonized and hated everything step i was retracing

and you know what?
one 2 hour phone call
made all that go away

it was enough.

i hung up the phone miles away from that trap
smiling
because i believe i have escaped

touche general zaroff ... touche.

Meet Halfway and See the Sun Rise

just sitting
listening
between two people
sharing the place
where i onced begged for comfort
profound.

in that same space
before, i screamed for someone to hear me
i was drowning in so much

it was dark
night
the sun was setting
this was morning
lighter
the sun was rising
someone who cared to listen
where i didn't hate the silence
appreciated.
not because Alice in Wonderland
is white
and it was cold

because it was 3 in the morning
and i was sluring my words
with tiredness
and he was reaching for someone
for me.

"you lied,
there are starts at your house."
"what?"
"i know because i am in your front yard"
face to face phone calls
stolen from the independant silver screen
to save one another
in stillness
where simple words
have the weight of matter
whats being said
is important
because we're saying it
fanciful and sarcastic
understood.
shared stories and shard breath
shared stillness.
motion lights turned on
only by the ghosts

we are both still chasing
but the lights are moving farther
into the distnace.
i watched these clouds rise
over his shoulder
we clung to eachother
bodies and lips and tounges.

and it means so much
like fireworks and picnics
that i cant put it into words
yet alone poetry.

but i was almost poetry
on it's own.

it said alot
3 hours of shared words
and stillness
in the deep middle
of the night

in the same place where i wanted to die
i finally felt as though i wanted to come back alive
and that is worth remembering

then again,
all of this is.

"good morning"

Not The Dr.

It comes back down to the fact that i am never enough for anyone.
[ is anyone enough for me?]
thats a fair question...one i struggle with constantly


and that goes back to where i stand.


...i just wish you'd call

to be honest...sometimes your phone calls are what get me through the day
get me out of my own head.
because frankly that is where i do the most damage
and you happen to take me away from that
and congrats, because that has been a long time comming
what i have been looking for
[to be honest i fear i am a bad influence on myself when you are gone away.]

but you can't know that
i believe, because, that would fall into the catagory of mutual dependance
of emotional attachment
and eventual "falling"

but you know what...calling someone every night since you met them (3 weeks ago)
that's a ritual. that's an attachment. that's an expectation.
that seals love.

you, on some level, know that.
and it scares you
scares me too...but i am still standing here

please. please. please.
don't run away-
please.

How Ritual Seals Love

when i said i would not "fall" for you...

i lied.

let me ask you this:
don't i deserve to, for once, know where i stand in a relationship?
is that to much to ask...from you?

i understand that you have baggage ( some of which goes with mine...some i can't even begin to relate too) but is it possible that we could work through that?

you like me-i know this
i'm "different than other girls" - you think so (and i hope you're right)

you need things "concrete" - you've made that clear
but how can things be concrete when
a) niether on of us "wants" a relationship
b) are not over our past relationships

c) you have walls higher than the great wall of china built up

"i lied...i fell, what do i do now?"
"you can't save this one kac, not this time"
"why do i have to want to save him, what about saving me?"
"he's not the kind of guy you fall for, you know that"
"just because i know it doesn't mean i have to like it."

...i can hear it now.

why does that have to be important?
why can't you have an intellectual and emotional relationship...with sparse physicality?
i could - i want to - show him that someone could care for him regardless
he's shut people out...thats obvious...and understandable
i want him to know that people can look past that
it wouldn't have to define anything...just because the past has to follow you in this case
does not mean it has to controll you...and dictate the people around you.

it looks different in type.
it always does
there is something concrete about words
harshly defining emotion
situations, solutions.
...lack there of

it's just no fair.
it never is.

what can i do?

just answer the phone everynight
and hang on tight.

he'll keep me at bay through the phone lines.
how poetic