make me stay

“You know how when we were kids there were all those cool prizes at the bottom of cereal boxes? Ok . . well there are two kinds of kids, there’s the kid who flipped the box over and opened it from the bottom and grabbed the prize right away and then there was the kid who waited patiently and ate bowl after bowl of cereal until the prize just tumbled out on its own - there’s also a third kid named Mikey who would eat anything, including the prize, hes not really important right now - I didn’t wait, I didn’t wait for my decoder ring or my frankenberry action figure when I was a kid so what am I waiting for now? All I know is that I don’t want to miss out on the prize ..”

-psych

weightless place

self -

undefined by extraneous choices;

made by an impulse

to be loved,

no matter how conditionally.

No matter

how incongruous what loves me is

to what i love, think i love,

.. think needs me to love.

self

- bled complacently

after all this

(by what is opposed to loving me back).

loving like this

the way i see it .. no, the way i have been conditioned to see it by my own experience .. is that there are two ways to start a relationship and two ways to end them.

there are those who get too close, platonically, and the relationship has no other way than to gain depth besides physically (and the emotional avenues the physicality opens up). people always think this evolution is ideal .. ideal until these things develop long distance, with another person involved, or after you find out your not attracted to each other .. insert awkward ending here. things fade, you stop talking (accept for the occasional what if), and your done and regretting never knowing/or knowing too much.

what if this new depth is inhibited by another person? what if you are ready to take that step and are unable to, you lose your chance you can't go back and silence creeps in to fill the space of the lost moment. then it's gone .. love, or the potential for it, has expired. it doesn't come back.

the other type of people are those who automatically present themselves with the potential for attraction, you move too quick, you play too many games, they are intimidated, you are distracted, things happen once, maybe for a few weeks and then they dissipate because .. well because why?

because people are afraid they won't fit into your life? because they have a girlfriend? because they can't take responsibility for their emotions? because why?

and maybe love is like this too .. unanswered questions, missed chances, singular encounters .. maybe anticipation is all love feeds on. . and when that anticipation reaches its climax we are disappointed by its actualization.

maybe the only way to seal love is by the ritualization of this anticipation? and is the only way to ritualize both these types of "love" by running to and from the same familiar stranger?

it cant be ..

like this also

there are some people that make you want to stay, and others, invariably, that make you want to leave.

staying because there is potential for friendship, something untapped that would benefit everyone. but staying because it's easy and this is a redeeming quality of a place that otherwise smothers is not .. beneficial.

stifled by not

defining your absence

ironically, many of the people that make you want to leave are the ones you can never fully detach yourself from. But is leaving bc there is potential in multiple places .. where happiness is a possibility and comfort/simplicity is a guarantee ..is not detaching yourself from a claustrophobic obligation simply rerouting it to another catalyst?

really what i am saying is that unless you go somewhere for yourself, and only yourself, you will eventually, inevitably become unhappy. (clearly.)

is the only way to find self-happiness to abandon people you love? and in this abandonment do we find that love is worth it only if you have come back to it more happy, un-stifled, than when you left it?

walking away from people because the happiness they provide is perishable is love also.

love is preserving the perishable so that the finite qualities of people cement themselves in us.

do we free ourselves by preserving the finite from a distance?

and is this love also?

love is like this

i'm sorry no one told you

- i didn't tell you

or that you knew that no one told you

but you knew what wasn't being told anyway

i'm sorry you had to know before i had known you knew

that life is volcanic; catastrophic in its potential to disappoint

no one is sorry that i'm disappointed

-constantly

no one knows that i know they are disappointing me

bc they think they are better .. no one knows i know,

we know,

that they are liars

they lie, bc we know that life is

volcanic

bc we want but cant have

things not be the same

i'm sorry things can't not be the same

or i wish i was

catastrophic in a sense

because lacking sameness

makes dissimilarity disappointing

-like everything else

like life

when you're lied to

in a way that averts the truth without speaking

i'm sorry i'm not sorry about your sameness

sameness, when it is a rooted, like a dying tree to the ground

self made, like a tomb

i'm sorry no one told you

-i didn't tell you

i will not be a part of your infuriating sameness

i will be volcanic and catastrophic on my own.