graceful misspellings

i think that even when you decide to be a whole person people will still walk away. or maybe they are running.

you can't preserve anything with wholeness can you? nope, you can't.
not even yourself.

what is it about the constant threat of disapointment that makes us skiddish around an unmistakable display of reality? is it resentment? hindsight?

is it self sabotage? i had contact with "my" addiction and therefore by confronting my compartments and finding a small amount of comfort in them i screwed myself over? i projected my fear of a good thing - self fulfilling prophecy?

i refuse to believe there is a perfectly good reason why i should be ok with this. i'm not ok with it this time.
maybe because i found someone to blame for the development of my biggest flaw? is it his fault that this good thing is slipping out of my hands and i can't hold it? or is it my fault for not realizing it sooner?

could i have done anything?
it couldnot have simply been his function to present to me my inner flaws and then not be the one to help me correct them. why would someone fall into your path to write you a song and pull you togther just in time to break you back into pieces when he leaves with someone else.

there is someting wrong with this.
i don't want to be whole to hurt. i want to be whole to feel right. i want to pull myself together for a reason.

myself is not reason enough.
but should it be?

mutual

3 AM exhales
poetry under your skin
punctuated
stolen from my tounge





. . .

change me back

"when we're together pieces of me keep falling off and it's not supposed to be that way - 'love' is not supposed to be that way."



i realized a fairly worrisome thing about myself the other day. . i compartmentalize.
emotions, people, situations, i seperate them with a fair amount of subconscious accuracy.

i think it's a learned behavior . . in order to seperate myself from "his" addiction i had to seperate the part of myself that cared for him from the rest of my life. i shut parts of me down to deal with the rest. and when other people came into the picture i turned off half of myself inorder to give them what they diserved.

survival insinct turned habbit. all of a sudden you fuck 3 guys in a weekend and its not a problem . . all of a sudden you don't feel anything. (atleast not on your own) the only reason you feel is because that is what the scene calls for, you have so many pieces that you can't justify a whole person that feels independantly.

i want to feel something again.

thats why i am so scared i'm going to fuck up this good thing. i want this person to be able to know a whole me. organic and sincere. i don't want to give him pieces and i don't want to break into smaller parts either.

now that i am aware of how i defend myself can i shut if off? i can stop, i can avoid spliting myself physically to protect myself emotionally. i can see this one out. honest and upfront like normal people.

i think part of this "fear" that i am suddenly obsesed with is a fear that i cant break old habbits and be all things to one person. i try to help people, please people, save people. so what happens when they don't need saving? don't need touching?
just need me?

i'm scared i can't be all things to one person.
but thats normal. . if can break my habbits . . my subconsious ritual. . then can't i be a whole person for this one.

and isn't "all" really "whole?" you cant be everything to one but you can be everypart of yourself to another persons wholeness.

can't you?

splintered inside

you'll take me now
behind these strings
trap me here
a niche, abandonment
a song you sing me
steals against desire
preservation in your melody
deteriorate me
break down and harmonize me
i'm your riff, rythm, 6 string symphony
do what you can
keep me at your hand
change your mind
paint me on this canvas
save me to play to
i want to feel you
leave this taste in me
i don't want to forget
these words you wrote resist me
hiding from alone again
write this song for you
tell me i belong

paperweight

why do i judge progress on physical thresholds?

why in heavens name can't i just be happy with someone who appreciates my brain and my sarcastic charm and not worry about the frequecy of physical conact? why do i take this as such a rejection when really it is the biggest guesture of acceptance i have recieved in years?

have i really relied soley on physical gratuities as a measure of connection? pathetic.

i want to be happy with this. i want to be? i am, but i don't know how to enjoy it without the fear of losing it. i have noticed the patterns that plauged me through school and i can't shake the feeling that they are doomed to repeat. which of course is ridiculous. but can you blame me from fearing that the past will repeat itself . . esspecially since it has so often before?

maybe it's intamacy issues. we are both terrified of being trampled on, which if you think about it is fairly redundant because if we both fear it we will save eachother from it at all costs. but how can we "save" eachother from anything if we are continuously dancing around the subject of intamacy.

"this is right but i'm scared" honesty, but is it a cop-out too? i can't decide and i think its sad, atleast on my part, that i can't trust the sincerity of another persons fears. how can he judge the legitamacy of mine if i doubt his?

and .. why is it not ok to still be recovering, hurting, and moving on at the same time. why can't we have a good thing while some small parts of us still hurt? will that increase the likely hood that we will unintentionally hurt eachother? no i think it will have the opposite effect. won't we be more conscience of the other and therefore more in tune with ourselves?

i believe you can hurt and heal simultaneously. of course you can - thats how we survive.

why isnt this a good thing? it is.

then why am i so scared it will disapear?

i have to get past this. . really.

hold me any way you can

arms length and groping
white blind minds
drenched stark to feel
live in you moments
find this place in your song
need in breathing
inches spanning hot heat
preservation
a ritual of rise and fall
arms length and clinging
break me into something new.

cropcirlces in the carpet

so it seems i can't put this theory to rest; ritual seals love. it just makes alot of sense to me, and truth be told i've experienced it enough times to know that there is a fair amount of validity in such a statement.

my question now is, is it possible to realize the power of ritual and therefore avoid it in attempts to not be victim of its effects? simply, can this person know, as i know, how ritual effects people and avoid its effects because they are aware that they are already experiencing some amount of feeling before the ritual has had time to substantiate itself.

i mean . . can we avoid ritual in order to deny our true feelings? if ritual seals love and we are already infatuated then we are obviously inclined to fear such "love" because we were not ready for even the infatuation.

if we are not looking for something and suprisingly stumble across it we will steal ourselves against it as a defense mechanism. but, if both people are acutly aware that this technique is a defense mechanism isn't it failry redundant to avoid said ritual.

so it is.

and so, if i am to understand it correctly, this person who is suprised and unprepared will sample the ritual/intimacy and then push it away in order to keep their feelings in check. (all the while preserving their vulnerability behind the vauge excuse of "not wanting to hurt" the other person)

is this a cop-out? a compromise? or even more painful because it takes a constant emotional reassesment of wants/needs/desires. and really, is it worth it? would it not be more gratifying to simply give in and make yourself ready for something before it passes by? or is this simply a away for preserving a situation until you are ready to deal with it?

all of this aside, how do i handle it? one of the best things i have found is running laps around grey area.
why can't we ever decide concisely what we want?

because we are always scared of the present mimicking the past. because people who are aware of their emotional weaknesses avoid being vulnerable. and what is a good situation but two people of equal vulnerability preserving eachother.

so is co-dependance all about preservation? most likely.