a destination, not an escape

i think somewhere in all that i was looking for permission to grieve. feeling lighter and heavier simultaneously.

but- yearning

is wanting a by product of insecurity? do we long for things because we need reassurance .. reassurance that we made the right decision, or felt rational emotions, or made the right choice?

are these cravings a way to insure that we, in some way, justify our actions to ourselves .. and the only reason we might need justification is because we fear that what we experienced was temporary .. is it easier to seek out experiences, people, feelings because it feels better than accepting finality.

or is it that we seek reassurance that we are also wanted, regardless of what our rational mind knows doesn't some part of us need to know that some one is also craving us in return? that our sometimes desperate need for contact, for a repeat experience, is really colored by a need to be validated?

and how do we curb this wanting and remember an experience with a clear head? or would a clear head, in fact, destroy the allure of the experience to begin with? if we were always remembering things with a level head, emotionless and unaffected, then we would not crave this thing to begin with.

perhaps .. in all of this .. the thing to note is that you deemed it (somewhere in you head) worth romanticizing enough to crave .. and that could be all that matters.

beyond the sharks

we are ill equipped to let people in and out of our lives, like we are somehow entitled to permanence.

are we protecting ourselves from people who treat our lives like revolving doors? does this explain the predominant hesitancy we feel when we are presented a faded admission ticket from faces in our past? are we, in the same way, safe guarding ourselves against disappointment (abandonment) by refusing to accept that there are also those heading for the exit? (even if they are doing so unwillingly). 

what is it about the words i'm leaving that makes don't go rise like bile in our throats? do we mean it? do we need to establish this need for permanence so as to vocalize our fear of abandonment, because we know the decision has been made and the statement was made with finality? do we swallow these same words because we know they are futile? because we are expected to make an effort to preserve what makes us comfortable? this interaction is nothing but selfishness, colored only by an emotional script. 

we are taught change is inevitable, taught to except it and simultaneously taught that it sucks. do we say don't go because it embodies the suck? or is it a half hearted attempt at denial? and are we ever really prepared for an answer to our don't go? what if they don't go? or what if they had no idea you didn't want them to go until they announced they were leaving? and what if you choke back the don't go so they are none the wiser? you are still left with the salience of wanting to say ..

..or what if they come back later. after the don't go has been swallowed, digested, and left to churn in an emotional recess. how do you regurgitate don't go yet alone turn it into welcome back? is this so hard because we are protecting ourselves from future, inevitable abandonment? or is it because time and experience make strangers of everyone no matter how sincere or over due the welcome back truly is?

right tension

maybe.
       (maybe?) cacophony
       in the dark
of looks, touch.
before maybes wear-off
         like shirts; innocence
on to the floor (unvacuumed carpet)

barrierless
      for a beat
before supposed to
       sucking up what feels
for dark roast, maple sweet
    brief-ness before
     rain walking/leaving - home.

don't you long to say gladly?

both feeling for
an else.
exceptions
to each other
also,
we are also

submitting and erecting
walls with secret(s)
to allow the other
in.

dodging confrontation,
and lips to maintain?
(protect)
what we are also ..