the richest things

i am clearly not as good with words as you are, and um, i know that things between us have been a little complicated and that there have probably been some mixed signals, mostly from me with regards to the time we spend together . . what im saying is that i think maybe the best things, the richest things, aren't supposed to come easily, and that sometimes the moments that make the most sense happen when everything else doesn't .. and well, i think you deserve more than popcorn tonight.

- Psych

your mistake

: you 

    not here. 

    not this niche to rot

    deteriorating in the crevasses between you (and) 

another testing, a crack even

every interaction we experience is tainted by out expectations. .

wants

needs

we're selfish, and we want things for ourselves that other people have. when we both want the same things we become friends, when we want the same things from each other we fall in love/lust/ (or hate)

but what if continued but unacknowledged expectations color an entire relationship? suddenly respective expectations/desires become misaligned. and if you, like me, are unable for whatever reason to vocalize these wants/expectations etc. then you find yourself severely disappointed.

* * *

i build walls with people, if i feel insecure about the future of a relationship (or an interaction to cite my own overly clinical term) i put another (or multiple other) person between those feelings. . use them to numb myself to the disappointment, make myself seem desirable even though my wants are misaligned with those i use.

yep use, i use people to avoid developing legitimate feelings for someone who may not like me back. and i do this because i have never learned to confront anyone about anything .. (a trait im sure comes from years of suppressive environments and assumptive authoritative figures)

.. how did i become a person that is scared to pursue what she wants? (prior entries will reveal i know exactly how .. but my real question is how do i get over it? )

and the music

conscious

of shaded eyes

watching movement, a blurry smudge, (is it beautiful?), on inside windows

perpetuating what is glanced at

incidental confrontation

pay attention!

fingers, legs- furious and insecure

intention-less in their concord

(just happening, like things should)

overlooked,

for fear that paying attention

is more ...