a two seated vehical

how is it we, as a general speices, keep a lid on temptaion. yes, conscience is a strong arguement, but so is self satisfaction . . what stops us from acting on impulses we know we can get away with?

maybe we like being tempted, enjoy wanting and chasing so much that the catch is underminingly meaningless.
but when one is consumed in the chase, in the flirting and the game playing, does it not make sense for one to be consequently unfuliflled?

and yes, unfulifillment can be intentional for whatever reason but it gets old fast and it takes alot to rely completly on yourself and love happy best friends. eventually you need another person. if nothing more than for a boost of self worth and consistent companionship.

i don't think that being with someone means loving them, or atleast it does not require the intention of loving someone. sometimes its just easier to be the other person.

a consistent "other" person. because relying on a handfull of "booty calls" and once-a-month jackasses leaves something to be desired.

and once you realize that you "desire" more, you will no longer be fulfilled with what you have been living off of. and i guess that makes sense.

i've been a believer that consistency seals love, but the consistency of inconsistency - i am willing to believe - seals bitterness.
in seeking a constant, am i seeking love? - probably - but do you have to want what you are seeking, do you even have to be conscious of it? - no - i'd be willing to believe that unconscious want is something like wishful thinking, we know it's important, but cast it aside.

so maybe if i start to give in to my desire for consistency and less to the inclination that is the chase, i'll land somewhere i should be.
and maybe end up happy, and if not then nothing more than satisfied will do.

leftout greys

if you did not value something the first time you had it, say you just used it for a superficial distraction the first time, how can this same something have value a year later?

when you face the same person, the same general scenario after you've been removed, but not necessarily disassociated from it, how do you not give in to the same perception as before.

is it bad to put yourself into a situation that you have complete control over? simply because you can't seem to control anything else around you.
you purposely search for something to hold on to, some form of mild consistency, just because everything else has disappointed you, changed and slipped away.

or is it worse, that these same feelings ( restlessness, frustration, loneliness, inadequacy, lust, ) lead you to grasp onto false hopes and hold on for dear life.

on one hand, you will be disappointed because you are unfulfilled, bored. and on the other, you'll be waiting and boarding the emotional roller coaster that is hope for the umpteenth time.

either way, only 5 months until i'm gone from here for good.

so i ask myself why it matters. .
and i know that it's simply because
i want it to matter.

it's as though, currently, i am bidding my time. waiting for everything - due to circumstance out of induvidual control - so what about now? what happens to the "me" sitting here right now, who doesn't have anything together.
knowing what you want and having faith you can get it is one thing. but knowing what you want and having to wait for a piece of paper and a plane ride is another.

what happens now? all i know is that i am not feeling anything, except for restless inadequacy, and desperate frustration, i've fallen to a diet of lackluster poetry and cheap beer.

there's more than this. .
something to matter to me, something new and right now.

please, don't you walk away

what's tangible has motion lines
rapid and blurry
a single sound you spin around
watching, reaching, out of habit
envelope consistency
like Alice and the rabbit
chasing what refuses to be caught
sand escapes extremities
reality numbed
watching for too much to care
letting go to feel it
be it
in it
as it slips away

do you ever feel like we're running out of time?
(and not the other way around. . )

romantic how we fail

you won't be the glass
to cover me
claustrophobic bindings intertwine
hands moving backwards
across your Timex face
mechanically watching
these actions far removed
shatter and submerge
miss. trust, miss. take
altered egos with fright and lust
stop but don't reverse it
warnings chime,
the pumpkin arrives
without a slipper, without shame
watch me now,place your bet
i'm a graceful disaster
with a stopwatch on regret

the safer devil

take mannequin hands

cold, smooth, mass produced
without windows and smiles

whitewashed, removed truth

hand painted layers

thick satin vermouth

a shallow fix to leave you hardened

given freezer burned touch

sound an inner time bomb tick

smother this plastic

sincere, hungry heat

swim in this plaster - it melts

touch me flesh to flesh

remember stone what it is to feel

take two to moments

indescribably real.