completeness: habitually lacking

if meaning is dependent on regularity and you make a habit out of communicating in ambiguous terms does the meaning your relationships become subsequently ambiguous? if you standardize superficial relationships, make the lines indistinguishable, and therefore obscure any potential for purpose or significance, will you somehow damage your ability to assign any amount of legitimacy to your interactions?

have we standardized superficiality of language by playing games and objectifying peoples wants (needs)? or have we always had that potential and we are now at the point in our society where social expectations and the abuse of this power have aligned to create the ability to segregate ourselves from all emotional responsibility?

by regularizing emotional competence we are isolating ourselves from meaning .. does that make sense? because if we hide within the intricacies of ambiguity can we ever really know what we are saying? I mean really know how we are being perceived? or are we walking around as perpetual strangers? estranged as a function of self-awareness?

i might be jumping to too many conclusions. or i might be psychoanalyzing. . you decide.

where the eye looks hardest

i've come to the conclusion that people (most specifically parents, college roommates, co-workers) take their perceptions of you-take the little box they put you in based on their expectations- and interpret all of your actions to fit within their stereotype. 

what happens when you realize what people expect you to be, see the box they have placed you in, and garner your interactions to fit into that box because it is easier than disappointing them and re-defining their view of you when they don't want to see it.

I used to think i could censor parts of myself to make other people happy, in fact i got quiet good at it. the result; there are exactly 4 people who know who i really am, and everyone else ignores the parts of me i never forced them to accept. 

so now the people that surround me at school and work and home don't really know anything about me and i am starting to resent the fact that their expectations were so much more powerful than my will to define myself opposingly in their minds. 

and maybe i wouldn't have this problem if i couldn't see through people so well, or maybe i would be more angry if i couldn't. all i know is that i need to be around people who can see every part of me, and being home makes me miss the people that really know me. 

and as a result i still don't know where my life is going because i so desperately need to cling to and simultaneously destroy this "plan" i have concocted to make all parties happy and account for any disparities in expectation.  

 

life X weight of the world^2

I've learned that people will only encourage you until things become too real. Because when things become too real they become unrealistic, there a flaws and glitches, and dead ends no one thinks about when you are setting goals. There is no potential to be disappointed when you have the implicit support and encouragement of those too blind to think they are protecting you from it. 

I think it is exceptionally worse to be protected from disappointment than it is to have a rational, realistic view of what is going on in your own life. Having this happen to me twice now i have come to realize that the only thing these people who claim to "support" me are doing is trying to "protect" me from my supposedly unrealistic aspirations. 

Ironically, people seem to try harder the more they are encouraged and are even more devastated when their so called supporters turn their backs at the last minuet and try to pull "i told you so" out of their ass. 

(because no one ever had the balls to tell you so in the first place) 

i can see this happening once - its a fluke a dream built in possibility and wrecked in unfavorable circumstance. But twice? and this time the only back up plan being the original, previously wrecked dream?

something is wrong and it can't be all my fault. because i know that there has to be something i want that i am good enough for. 

no one else has to settle to be good enough, so why should i? 

or do they? is that the devastation of growing up? is it that everyone, at some point, realizes they are never going to be good enough for what they want? 

where do you go from there?