for atmosphere:

how much of our emotions are simply situational?

par example,
you are at a funeral for a family member who might as well have been a familiar stranger yet you are overcome with grief, and you cry and show appropriate - ingrained - emotion at the service.

do you show emotion out of guilt? or compensation? or just because you know you should?

still more common place, what about ambition?
you've wanted something for the greater part of your life, and are ravishly encouraged to go after it, but when you begin to take action those supportive people start putting up the emotional caution tape. "we believed in you until we actually thought you'd try it"
if you all of a sudden doubt yourself were you simply feeding off the enthusiasm of those around you? or did you really love what you were doing?

ie. did i dance because people told me i was good at it or because i loved it. do i need it or just want to need it? and if i need it like i have always believed i do, then why does what anyone else says matter?

am i discouraged and all of a sudden doubting the practicality of my dreams because people and producers are telling me too? do i have conscious control as to what i feel when the atmosphere says to give up? and if that is what the atmosphere says; then is the emotional direction i choose to go - either fight harder or give up - reflective of my character?

what about relationships?
an old and unsuccessful flame all of a sudden looks more than appealing because everyone around you is in a successful and comfortable relationship. should circumstance alone make me feel lonely? and if so, is it possible that this selfconscious loneliness is projected onto circumstances that don't include "happy" couples?

how do you know if that's what you really want. is feeling alone and horny cause enough to re-enter a stable but already proven unsuccessful relationship?
better yet, if these doubts are supported by those around you and these tentative ideas of a reprise are embraced whats to stop you from not wanting it.

so really i just want to know how in control of my emotions i am. and if one is predisposed to uncertainty before confronting a situation how do you make an emotionally sound decision one way or the other?

cards stacked against us? or are we stacked against ourselves?

black cat philosophy

i did alot of travling last month which was, as it turns out, a waste my time.
ironically, i am right back where i started - maybe even a little farther behind than that:


does it humble me
when i drop for you
like storms of glass
in jagged collections
you save for me

your eyes soaked caffine black
i beam with hesitation
a mirror image
our persons pressed to parallel

in us there's a joker
both masters of the trade
clear judgement in the water
the actor and abuser
lusting objective and estranged.