sword and sheild

" the devil you know is safer than the chance you take with something new."

. . of course we are drawn to familiar things, but i think that we can also be drawn to things, people, even situations that we otherwise steal ourselves away from until they are right in front of us.

you say to your self that you will stay away, you won't go back, you don't want "this." but then you run right back to it anyway.

but you know, its safe territory, its ritual. etc. etc.

still, i think it's more than that.
maybe we fall into patterns - not even patterns we like or want - but patterns that are subconscious.

you keep people at bay with physical affection because it is easier than going through the whole emotional connection cycle.
you'd rather be alone and wanting. because if you are wanting something at least you are inspired. when you have what you want you fall into the ritual of comfort and therefor you loose yourself to this thing - this want - and you are unimpassioned.

because having what you want is a much less pleasing a thing than wanting.

and because it is human nature to want and to be impassioned. and one finds purpose in wanting and achieving . . therefor never being satisfied with acquiring what they want.

but then does this not make fidelity a moot point?
and if fidelity is a moot point then what else is? the foundation of human principles of familiarity and satisfaction are negated by our general inclination to constantly want.

so does that make us selfish? or does that make us human?

and if it makes us human . . whats that. really?

oh, hush hush . . voices carry

how is it that in attempting to solve a problem i have become the forbearing force behind it?

i am an "approachable person"
people "trust my judgement and advice"

- i have chosen the correct field of study, this i realize -

but what happens when, because these are your friends, you get too close. when it goes from "i have a perfect relationship but want to say this . . " to "i want out" and " i have realized i have stronger emotions else where"

and you know. you know exactly how good it would be if things were different.
but how do you remain an objective confidant when there is that under current? that tension.

this does not happen in clinical psychology because you patients start out as strangers - at least that is what would make sense to me. . snd the minuet i get out into the real practice i am sure that is inccorect but in a perfect world that would seem reasonable.

but this is different, and your lonely, and you're a little lost right now, and you're consumed by wanting fulfilment. so your natural inclination is to give in to these feelings you have started unearthing and finding reciprocated.

. . but can't and won't act on.

so then there is the flip side:

how do you forgive the inclination to turn back to something you had, because you know you are wanted. but you didn't really want this something, per say, the first time . . it just filled some space. so now you are not only looking to fill space but to keep yourself fenced in. and that's not "fair". but reasonably tempting. if you can restore some sense of order, and prevent emotional catastrophe then maybe you could lull yourself into something old for sanity's sake. no?

maybe too, you just want to prove that the reason it fell apart the first time wasn't your fault. or that you can fix your emotions to conform to simplicity for the next 5 months. or is it that you want to go back and take fault for things you can justify. to prevent further fault on your part in a new situation. familiar guilt is better than uncharted guilt right?

but whether it's familiar or desired or spontaneous it's always the what-ifs that keep you turning around.

or keep you tied down.

mock me with praise

i haunt a smoke screen game
ember red hands,
trail black ash lies
a succubus to posses your lust
poisoned porcelain bite
fire in my eyes to burn you
melt like wax for me
I'll shape you into
who ever you want to be
dance in the darkness
don't hold out here
you stole me
wrapped my attention
and purged me
from a Novocaine state
arrested to this
dried heat
this disorienting fog
embarrassingly kidnapped
to the hope
you'll teach me to feel.

i won't be your winter

it's so cold here.
literally and metaphorically:

the snow is so high and blowing so far that you can't see a foot in front of your face, we're class canceled and housebound for the remainder of the night.

on the metaphorical hand, i feel so drained and numb that i can't see a foot beyond anything/one, i drift through routine actives and interpersonal association on autopilot.

if feel like if someone knows they can't make you smile sincerely then they won't find you enticing enough to commit emotional effort to . . or maybe that's my problem.

i don't deem anyone worth getting my hopes up for. (or if i do, i quickly find out that i was wrong.)

how is it that as a person who is prepared to spend her life connecting with people, can't even see the sincerity in the people she has surrounded herself with for the past four - six years?
is it just that you know what to expect? it's boring, unexciting, because know you have know that what you re looking for is something other than what you have.

but if you can't get over that, how are you going to survive these next few months? you have to force yourself to hope? because if you give up looking, you'll be alone. . but looking too hard leaves you alone as well - probably lonelier.

alone is not bad, but to much time inside your own head is, and lonely is five steps away from desperate, which is right around the corner from drunken flirting and a load of poor decisions related to the prior.

so to renew your hope in something you put yourself back out there and get attached, only to realize that who this something see's is not you. - or not how you want to be seen - because you're not feeling, and you always know when you are purposefully hardening yourself to a situation. we all have an asshole we bring out to deal with these kinds of situations, and that's what people see.

i'm detached and frequently face the inability to feel anyone, ive become less approachable . . those are things that i have never been. and maybe it's just that i am waiting for someone to see it, and pull me out of it. but who i am i to rely on other people that way? how selfish, right?

you have to get beyond the coldness, the hard defense mechanism that is routine. and even for a little while, find someone that makes you want to change. there is something to be said for seeing personal potential . . you're old self will always be there . . i know who i was, know i want to know who i am. i think that's fair.


in conclusion, my thoughts have become circular, and consequently redundant.