oh, hush hush . . voices carry

how is it that in attempting to solve a problem i have become the forbearing force behind it?

i am an "approachable person"
people "trust my judgement and advice"

- i have chosen the correct field of study, this i realize -

but what happens when, because these are your friends, you get too close. when it goes from "i have a perfect relationship but want to say this . . " to "i want out" and " i have realized i have stronger emotions else where"

and you know. you know exactly how good it would be if things were different.
but how do you remain an objective confidant when there is that under current? that tension.

this does not happen in clinical psychology because you patients start out as strangers - at least that is what would make sense to me. . snd the minuet i get out into the real practice i am sure that is inccorect but in a perfect world that would seem reasonable.

but this is different, and your lonely, and you're a little lost right now, and you're consumed by wanting fulfilment. so your natural inclination is to give in to these feelings you have started unearthing and finding reciprocated.

. . but can't and won't act on.

so then there is the flip side:

how do you forgive the inclination to turn back to something you had, because you know you are wanted. but you didn't really want this something, per say, the first time . . it just filled some space. so now you are not only looking to fill space but to keep yourself fenced in. and that's not "fair". but reasonably tempting. if you can restore some sense of order, and prevent emotional catastrophe then maybe you could lull yourself into something old for sanity's sake. no?

maybe too, you just want to prove that the reason it fell apart the first time wasn't your fault. or that you can fix your emotions to conform to simplicity for the next 5 months. or is it that you want to go back and take fault for things you can justify. to prevent further fault on your part in a new situation. familiar guilt is better than uncharted guilt right?

but whether it's familiar or desired or spontaneous it's always the what-ifs that keep you turning around.

or keep you tied down.