or she believed

you are 

not 

saying what you think 

i don't 

know. 

barriers like m&m's . . rum 

classy and gluttonous 

like you and i 

consumption of

consuming each

consumed by 

the other. 

in low ceilings and re-run light 

we are 

always 

far from faithful 

nothing unacknowledged is true 

a code of reappearing 

disappearing, 

trap doors and basement stairs.  

knives through the box

curtain over the tank 

holding our breath 

until the lady 

(i play, i wait to play)

doesn't give the impression

of being. 

love me back

is it possible we focus so intently on knowing how good we could be for other people that we forget to demand other people be good for us? 

at what point do you realize you have gained nothing from any (intimate) relationship in which you have entered? about the point you realize nothing has changed .  . 

i could play this game blind folded with both hands tied behind my back -a fact i am less than proud of  .. i hate that i am not surprised by the indecency of human behavior or the faithless tendencies of anyone promising to love you. 

but what's worse is my fear that if i demand more from these people i will lose them. even worse is the fear of losing superficial relationships like these to begin with.

lack of confrontational skills? lack of other options? lack of ability to believe i will find/deserve something better? 

D.) all of the above

this road before

why is it that the only people who truly understand me on an intellectual level somehow eject themselves from my life? 

whether its running off to china or running away from a goodbye they all seem to be fleeting glimpses into a connection that i don't seem to be capable of sustaining. 

are people who get this close ill equipped for an extensive friendship? does their brevity serve a purpose? or is this some form of unconscious punishment i inflict upon myself. 

is the ultimate irony in this chapter my inability to maintain the relationships that i need?  

a written invitation

feeling good and feeling right are two different things. I think that we assume that the two should be mutually exclusive and we therefore try to force one to be synonymous with the other. 

good and right are not interchangeable feelings but they are both finite terms of compatibility .. at least separately? "right" is only environmentally and opportunistically sanctioned and can be radically changed by circumstance and/or priorities. 

"good" is a more superficial satisfaction, sexual or emotional satisfaction (etc) that is limited to hours/days give or take some .. but it's fleeting and non-withstanding in terms of longevity or even significance. 

so should we look for both together? should one develop before the other? or is there another factor all together that i have get to acknowledge as a priority? because really emotionality is subjective . . but then again isn't everything?

of course.