this broken stem for you i loved

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.  - oscar wilde 

it's not though. 

what is the difference between ritual and habit? ritual (i still believe) seals love, but does habit make ritual redundant? is habit condescending? 

because isn't habit something we do without conscious thought? isn't habit mindless? in fact, habit, it stands to reason, derails the function of ritual. habit is then the antithesis of ritual - a way out. 

because if ritual seals love then said ritual becoming a habit would imply that the ritualistic behaviors are no longer effective in sustaining an emotion, therefore the behavior becomes second hand (thoughtless) while the emotions deteriorate. 

and is it our fault that we fall victim to habit? when the once fruitful ritual loses significance but the act remains how do extricate ourselves? and what happens when the act is altered, when something is added after the purchase of ritual has been lost? is that significant? or is it the final deterioration of the once ritual into a habitual action without consequence of emotion? 

can we consciously extricate ourselves from emotional repercussions by changing the habitual act so that it regresses to a time before the ritual was cemented? and if this is possible is it then possible to relinquish our willingness to form habitual relationships that are devoid of emotional faculties?  

but here

i have realized that certain people (mother) around me create limits for themselves and then try to justify these boundaries by creating limitations for other people around them (me). 

there is no reason not to go somewhere because you don't like the throughway, there is no reason to tell you daughter not to get her doctorate in NC because you aren't willing to visit, there is no reason you can't take your dog to the beach just because he won't pee in the grass. 

really. 

and what's worse is that these self imposed limitations are selfish, they are nothing more than a resentful, bitter, attempt at transferring ones boredom and disappointment at their own life on someone else. 

i don't need that. i need people who can be happy for me because i am breaking boundaries, not irrationally mad at me because i am not staying confined within in their comfort zone. 

i expect more than that from the people i'm surrounded by; the problem is i find it impossible to extricate myself from this particular relationship as it is one of the few that has no choice but to last a life time. 

ergo, i have no choice but to mutter under my breath like an immature teenager and sneak around behind the backs of those who should be the most supportive because they are too near sighted to see the bigger picture. 

holes growing in it

its amazing to me how relative our existence becomes in the face of tragedy. people search for a community when normalcy is disrupted, when the relativity of our untouched realities is extracted and defaced. 

how much of shared grief is a function of pretension? necessity? is this need for community an ingrained coping mechanism? is this how we cope with the disruption of complacency? 

is this what makes us believe we will never be completely alone? 

the ability to grieve simultaneously with those who have become all but strangers? or the ability to achieve simultaneous mourning for a time in our lives where reality seemed less aggressive; where we weren't strangers? 

at least pretend like we had one

it is interesting to think that relationships are an integral part to human existence and relationships themselves are so consequential because they generally come with an expiration date. what's weird then is that no matter how serious or casual the relationship our knee jerk reaction is to resist its ending. 

recently i have seen people pull away to avoid this anxiety over the conclusion of interpersonal relationships. the most common excuse i hear is 'well i'm never going to call you or see you or bother to keep in touch after i leave."

it seems like our defense mechanism is to react to ending with degradation, as if cheapening the significance of the relationship makes leaving all the more justifiable.  

this degradation, it has also become apparent, gives way to physical vices one part of the relationship would never visit (or revisit as the case may be) unless there is an imminent ending. 

the potential vulnerability appropriated by endings gives us both cause to rebel against significance and at the same time give more significance or greater degradation to a relationship by taking it out of the emotional and into the physical realm. 

even if this physicality is not realized its inclination is significant with reference to the  rapid evolution a relationship endures in its last leg. 

and what does the ending do in regards to the relationships course up until that point. is a relationship given more purchase because the ending is sentimental? or less because the relationship is cheapened by a cowardly exit. or is sentimental physicality, or the desire for it, the ultimate cowardly act because it distracts from the reality of ending? 

truer at a remove

maybe it's when people reach out for each other in times like this that we experience "enough", fullness even - strength in shared helplessness. we cannot fix one another but maybe the want to soften the blow is the only band aid we need. sharing silence - or the meaningless lack there of to lighten the atmosphere. 

reaching out with simple existence, just functioning in the same air of circumstance.  

it doesn't seem fair that we should have to see people close to us suffer through circumstance. people who should be closer to us and the people that are closer to them that need to reach for someone. 

and maybe in that reaching people share enoughness. in the presence of one another- in the simple act of needing because they know not what else to need, maybe people are enough for each other when it is not expected, when we least expect them to be. 

maybe thats why we are here, circling each other constantly, to be enough at the moments where everything else is out of step. to be a constant in the background and feel what they feel, feel what they wish they could feel,   to be enough when they think nothing could fill them out. 

how do you explain grief for the fringes, for the bit players, and for what they do to our own players. 

maybe that existential grief is proof of the fullness we find in each other. because everything is truer at a remove -