Do i actively let things pass me by?
because what's the difference between taking things as they come and taking things as the go?
i feel like i am emotionally aware enough to accurately asses intimate situations and know what i do and do not want. i know though, that other people don't see that in me and i fear that it comes across that i am passive or emotionally distant.
i'm the opposite; i happen to be a very passionate person. but to be so openly and emotionally secure is a mind set. it's not a switch - not showing that side is a defense mechanism i guess. because i know people won't except it as emotionally available but as flirtatious or desperate. so i i don't go there often or with many people.
maybe because one was a period, one was a progression, one was emotional and one was spontaneous (felt right), that i don't ever know what to expect after.
i don't expect people to stay. i expect to not be enough. i expect myself to run because i am scared of the latter.
maybe it's because i still have these compartments that won't completely disintegrate, these people i put in boxes and stored away keep coming up. just to remind me that i am not as far away from who i used to be as i have convinced myself.
but how do you rebel against the comfort of patterns without saving a little for yourself? i think definite endings scare me. i always leave a little in the bottom of the cup.
i don't want anything left anymore. i want to be a full person. a full person who takes what comes and hangs onto it for a while. who will expect good things in her life for a change (or atleast not run from them).
departure isn't escape. in any context.
"at the end of the show the magician goes home. and so does the women who was sawed in half."
