i won't be your winter

it's so cold here.
literally and metaphorically:

the snow is so high and blowing so far that you can't see a foot in front of your face, we're class canceled and housebound for the remainder of the night.

on the metaphorical hand, i feel so drained and numb that i can't see a foot beyond anything/one, i drift through routine actives and interpersonal association on autopilot.

if feel like if someone knows they can't make you smile sincerely then they won't find you enticing enough to commit emotional effort to . . or maybe that's my problem.

i don't deem anyone worth getting my hopes up for. (or if i do, i quickly find out that i was wrong.)

how is it that as a person who is prepared to spend her life connecting with people, can't even see the sincerity in the people she has surrounded herself with for the past four - six years?
is it just that you know what to expect? it's boring, unexciting, because know you have know that what you re looking for is something other than what you have.

but if you can't get over that, how are you going to survive these next few months? you have to force yourself to hope? because if you give up looking, you'll be alone. . but looking too hard leaves you alone as well - probably lonelier.

alone is not bad, but to much time inside your own head is, and lonely is five steps away from desperate, which is right around the corner from drunken flirting and a load of poor decisions related to the prior.

so to renew your hope in something you put yourself back out there and get attached, only to realize that who this something see's is not you. - or not how you want to be seen - because you're not feeling, and you always know when you are purposefully hardening yourself to a situation. we all have an asshole we bring out to deal with these kinds of situations, and that's what people see.

i'm detached and frequently face the inability to feel anyone, ive become less approachable . . those are things that i have never been. and maybe it's just that i am waiting for someone to see it, and pull me out of it. but who i am i to rely on other people that way? how selfish, right?

you have to get beyond the coldness, the hard defense mechanism that is routine. and even for a little while, find someone that makes you want to change. there is something to be said for seeing personal potential . . you're old self will always be there . . i know who i was, know i want to know who i am. i think that's fair.


in conclusion, my thoughts have become circular, and consequently redundant.