if you did not value something the first time you had it, say you just used it for a superficial distraction the first time, how can this same something have value a year later?
when you face the same person, the same general scenario after you've been removed, but not necessarily disassociated from it, how do you not give in to the same perception as before.
is it bad to put yourself into a situation that you have complete control over? simply because you can't seem to control anything else around you.
you purposely search for something to hold on to, some form of mild consistency, just because everything else has disappointed you, changed and slipped away.
or is it worse, that these same feelings ( restlessness, frustration, loneliness, inadequacy, lust, ) lead you to grasp onto false hopes and hold on for dear life.
on one hand, you will be disappointed because you are unfulfilled, bored. and on the other, you'll be waiting and boarding the emotional roller coaster that is hope for the umpteenth time.
either way, only 5 months until i'm gone from here for good.
so i ask myself why it matters. .
and i know that it's simply because
i want it to matter.
it's as though, currently, i am bidding my time. waiting for everything - due to circumstance out of induvidual control - so what about now? what happens to the "me" sitting here right now, who doesn't have anything together.
knowing what you want and having faith you can get it is one thing. but knowing what you want and having to wait for a piece of paper and a plane ride is another.
what happens now? all i know is that i am not feeling anything, except for restless inadequacy, and desperate frustration, i've fallen to a diet of lackluster poetry and cheap beer.
there's more than this. .
something to matter to me, something new and right now.
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