what if i leave

i have a window. 

that period of time where i can let myself feel one way or the other, and i've come to notice that this window is very small. but is that fair? if i meet a nice, genuine person is it fair that they have the same size window as someone who is not? 

and really, do i have any control over the size of this window?

or is it that i shouldn't worry about the opening and closing of the window but what gets through it while the window is open?

.  .  . 

is it the breaking of patterns that has me thinking like this? because if the pattern is broken doesn't that mean that the propensity for development of feeling - of love - is also broken? of course . . so if one pattern is broken doesn't it mean that more self destructive patterns can also be broken and the stage set for new ones to be formed?

or not even new ones to be formed .. but for freedom. . for emotion to be felt. its a freedom from my own responses. 

because all i want is to be a full person, and full people are not torn from ritual but liberated from it. 

 can chance be a catalyst of this liberation? can coincidence or what is meant to be or what ever else be the start of the broken routine? and is it significant that this catalyst was not in my control? does this cheapen this new found freedom? or is it truly the only way to feel free?

maybe its a mixture of everything .. or maybe it is a mixture of nothing but my own personal justification .. either way something is changing .. or something else is at least gaining potential.