pointless flares

i feel like people just drive me backwards.
back there.

i put, for the first time in a l o n g time, effort into getting over it. around it. through it.
i wanted to be.i really really did.

you know why?
because i met someone who inspired me to be strong, who made me like who i was, and who was generally interested in me and my well being.
that was new to me. both of us needing eachother and equal amount - - that was new. that was nice- -

where'd it go?

wish i knew.
i understand that you need space to cool off
i get that. i do.
over a week with no word after a summer full of once, sometimes twice, daily phonecalls or shared space.

thats not fair. and i dont care if thats selfish. it's true.
people never realize, when they need someone, how much the other person needs them too.
you don't need the fact that the other person needs you. no, people - - like me - - don't thrive on being needed.
i thrive on the wanting to need another person. wanting to hear, see, converse with another human being.
i wanted so much what i had finally found.

now he's droped off the face of the planet...

exactly.
for once i was starting feel again.
really wanting to feel again.
[ i think he was too, but won't admit it ]
he realized the routine we had fallen into was inspiring mutal feelings.
and of course we cant have that.
atleast that's what it seems like.
thats how i precieve it because thats what has happened before.

it's the goddamn baggage. the ghosts. the past.

so where do you go when you take that free fall from almost trusting a feeling again to crashing back down to where you were. - numb. [numb but safe.]

you go back to the only place where you have ever felt anything "real"
or atleast real to you.
part of you hates that you are there.
hates that you want it again.
part of you just wants to stop the numbness.
bury yourself in familiar, allbeit painful, "love."

all of a sudden you find yourself wanting everything you've been stealing away from for the past year.

you came out. you tried. and it's starting to hurt.
better run back to where its "safe"

- - a safe that is anything but - -

i just want to stop running.
i'm tired.

...just send me a sign. a flare. a smoke signal. something?
please.