a portable prison

there are so many demons each of us has to fight.
it's impossible to know the thoughts, parasitic, that prety on any one mind.

its internal fires that are lit and exstinguished by the past. by change. by any amount of feelings.
the same sparks that make a person who they are at their core
are the same sparks that can destroy a person.
turn them inside out.



but you can see them -- from the outside -- you can see..hear..someone struggling.
why cant you help them?
--"save" them.

i always thought i could just read people well.
relate to them.
was just a generally compassionate person.
figured all this would(will) make me a great psychologist/advice columnist
and as true as that may be

turns out...

i have a saving complex.
who am i kidding? i knew that.
always have, actually.

i have an uncanny way of finding the people who need to be saved from themselves.
and i want so much to help. i want so much to give them faith in something again
to prove that not everyone will give up on them.
is that so bad?

a lesson i've learned:
you can't save someone who doesn't want to be
saved.

but i still try.
but.but.but.
there is always something more.

i want to save him from himself.
--just like before--
i don't think he wants to be saved...
no
...maybe he doesn't know he needs to be saved.

it's visiable, to me.
he will tear himself apart.

another thought:

funny, how you learn so much about yourself through other people.
i was so busy concetrating on anything but me that look:
i've learned so much about how i deal with demons, and ghosts, how the past has made me grow and jaded me, molded me, changed me.
direct conversations, where the person actually cares about what you say, scare me.
scared -- past tense -- it's better.
thanks to him.
and i hope that i am teaching him things.
you always hope you are giving something to the people around you.
something they will remember, maybe even thank you for....but thats not why you do it.
it's human nature, it's my nature.

i just want to bring him back to the world of the living.
make what ever he is fighting, what ever is haunting him, dissapear.

this comes as no suprise to you does it?
no.