one private room

how is it that we compartmentalize:
love from lust?
idealism from rational thought?
spontineity from subconsious planning?
ritual from love?

you know a person incredibly well.
- - have known for 4 1/2 years.
and they have known you for equally as long
your there for eachother through the toughest parts of growing up

[ a factor that some psychologists say is the very thing that makes first love so hard to walk away from ]

but he is not your first love
not any "love" as far as your concerned.

however, when every time you see him, you share intimit moments
- -and they undoubtbly have a driving/passionate force behind them - -
is it lust?
no

its searching. its an atempt to renue your faith in the beliefe that you can trust someone again,
that somewhere out there there is someone you will feel comfortable with, who will know you so well that these things are natural.

we are catalysits to eachother.
we renue faith the we all to often lose in other people.
we help eachother realize what we want.what we've lost. what we still need to find.

to know that you can be that close to someone emotionaly and physically and not get hurt because you both need eachother, because its been happening for almost two years, and you know it's something dependable and won't end until you are both ready for it to.

- - its a skeleton of love i guess.
yes, thats what it is...its a prayer that we can find something to fulfill us.
and all the feeling is there...but there is a key missing. the key that gets you to "love."
you remind eachother what you deserve. what you are looking for.
catalists.

that is one emotional compartment.
its seperate from everything because there is nothing else in your life like it.

so how can this first person co-exsist with one that you know you are "in love" with?
you never said the one you were in love with was any of the things you wanted.
love is a feeling you can't shake, not even if it goes against every priniciple you've harbored your whole exsistance.
doesn't mean its a healthy, or rational.
but part of you wants it more than anything. the other part is disgusted by your weakness toward this other person.

its another compartment: "i love him but he wont change and i need more than he is brave enough to give me"
its not even falling out of love - - though for a long time i tried to believe it was - - its just a fact. love is something you have to accept before you can fit it into your life, your way of thinking.
just because you "love" does not mean you have to throw yourself into one person, no matter how degrading, because you are "following your heart."
love - - i have found - - does not have to shackel you to a person.
you have to know yourself.

you have to realize that when you compartmentalize like this...walls will go up to form these metephorical compartments
- -love is love. its there, you want it, its ripped away from you and evntually you accept it.

just because you accept it does not mean it goes away.
- - it took me a long time to grasp that too.

love is an ideal thought, to protect ourselves we have to seperate it from rational thinking. if you try to rationalize these things it will rip you apart... give you a headache.

its walls. its compartments. its seperations.

the one i still struggle with is seperating ritual from forming love.
i've said this before and i'll state it again because i still can't quite wrap my mind around it:

if love is, at its core, the longing for routine, for ritual,
(for your heart to be lulled into a save haven of unbroken patterns)
then why is not ritual a longing for love?

its a fine line. ritual lulls you into false security.
perfect example?
contact with another human being every day for an extended period of time, say since the day you met, you learn to depend on that phone call (or visit), you learn the anticipate it. soon it helps you through the day. eventually you want it. then you need it. then you realize -- maybe i love it? or better yet want to love it?

you open up. you trust. you laugh. you share. you become close. its a natural progression.
and maybe its just that people don't realize how dangerous ritual is.

i don't know how to seperate those yet, ritual from love. maybe it comes with time.
...but should it?

should things have to be seperated in order to keep yourself safe?

i don't think so. i don't want to think so.


-˜-to defuse any indiscrepancy you think i may have made- - what with going on about ritual just now and in the begining describing a pattern that is everything but love...it may apear that i contradict myself.
i think that the begining situation is an evolution of closeness. its a subconious hope and yearning that grabs ahold of two people. the thing is it's not a ritual because it is never planned. sure it happens most everytime but that is not the intent. there are long talks and tears and screaming and then comforting. its not planned because, due to proximity and time, it does not happen alot but when it does it stands out in ones mind.

does that makes sense?
its not expected. not depended on. so it's not necessarily a ritual.
if it were to become expected and looked forward to and depended on - - then it would be a routine. a ritual. a pattern.

its all fine lines and walls.
it comes back to crossing lines and breaking down walls.


how cliche.