chronically claustrophobic

i am, apparently, one of those people who sabotage potentially good things before they even happen.

if you are psychologically setting yourself up to think the things you are thinking then you obviously want to be thinking them. right. maybe the need to experience consistency is so short lived because you are really happy with the constant spontaneity/free will you live by. as soon as you are cornered into potentially consist ant situations we realized, in a claustrophobic state, that at least self sabotage is a form of (personal) control.

or maybe i search for challenges, challenges just happen to come with risk, and if risk is the only thing that keeps you alert enough to be challenged then well . . you've entered a vicious circle and it proves increasingly harder to get out.

so what if i fear that being unchallenged does not equate with stability and comfort but with settling . . i'm to afraid of missing something that could be good for me so i avoid things that could be good for me because i always think there will be something better.

really i am looking for feeling i already have encountered in another face.
and it's pointless and i know this, and yet it does not stop highly caffeinated ramblings before friday night departures into that same spontaneity i have renewed comfort in - at least for now.

really this is just a phase every human being goes through . . i am just over analyzing things.
are we surprised?
no.
god help the over analytical psych. major.


o and,
happy new year.

- - -

turns out maybe my instincts were right on this one.
funny how sometimes we know ourselves more than we are willing to admit.
maybe because we want ourselves to be wrong?