what she said, not what she meant.

i'm supposed to be somewhere right now, and i am not.
i am supposed to be in the same place every tuesday from 3-9 and i am always without fail.


i sat here, wanting to write something to motivate me to go. i'm not even nessicairily avoiding insperation, or la ack there of. i just sat here, numb, completly void of any valid emotion watching the numbers change on the digital clock at the bottom of the screen.

i have these kinds of days, where i can't face the mirror, where i know that i will see everything i hate if i look.
i'm supposed to utilize the mirror to analize my every flaw for 6 hours today - everyday.
the compulsion to shatter glass is never so strong as when surrounded by ill motivated, ill educated, ill looking toothpicks, while you are none of the above.

the feeling that you are stalling, wasting your time and it's not anything you yourself can do about it sends one to fall deeper into their own mind, which is at times all-consuming.
it shouldn't be wrong to take a break.
but you'll feel awful either way.

i'll say i got "sick" - something i ate.
really i won't have gone because i would have gotten sick had i been traped, claustrophobic, in the mirrors for 6 hours.

it's that dangerously consisten feeling of wanting to run, so fast, out of the room just to get away from yourself, that no one sees, but i know almost everyone experiances - at some pointe, with something, someone. it's there and we all identify with it. but rarely know how to cope,healthily, with it.

what do you do when half of what you thrive upon terrifies you?
when sometimes it opens parts of your mind you don't acknowledge because you know they are harmful.
sometimes, you just can't face it, can't look at whats infront of you and feel like you should, like you used too.
and you hate those around you, and you hate yourself for letting such a superficial detail effect you, but it effects you because you won't adress the real problem, the real fear, and the real actions you need and can take to make things atleast a fraction easier of your mind- ultimatly you blame yourself.

because ultimatly you're your own worst enemy,
and anytime you need to find her, she's in the mirror mocking the foundationg of everything you want.

terrific.
thanks.