painted corners

i want to be everywhere and no where all at the same time.

. . .

isn't it interesting how things. . . events . . . can just exsist around you but - as much as you want to - you can't bring yourself to activate your senses and renter some form of "normal' conciousness.

the past two days have been a haze
as i have been so imersed in recognizing familiarity
and trying to find it a place in the things i am now trying to associate as familiar.

like any change
you don't want what you are learning to live without
to suddenly reappear

not so soon, there needs to be an adjustment period
wanting something for so long
and then flipping a switch and not wanting it
then being expected to flip that switch back
is impossible

it's selfish
human beings don't have switches

i wish i had gotten more than 2 hours of sleep this weekend
i wish i could stop the things revolving around me - i cant feel them
i wish i could feel something

- - interesting how i very rairly write in the first person, and tonight i have, i think that is noteable, though i have not found a good way to express the reason why. - - maybe in the morning.

yeah, morning.

- - i get it - this is first person because it means to much to put distance between this and a narrative voice. it's personal and it the one thing i have never denied to effect me. when i exile the use of the word "i" i can look on in a quazi objective light - this, is anything but objective.