a Coffin, a Funk

Living happily ever after-
a kind of coffin
a kind of blue funk.
Is it not?

(Anne Sexton0n)


to say that you could feesably love everyone else around you but the one you with is such an internal hollowness. is it true? could you love these other men?
some of them, maybe. but most of them are a symbol.
a freedom that you have never truely been with out.
that, possibly, you are ready to be without.
but are you ready to be without it here?

i am, on the outside, positive that this is the relationship i am ready to plung into.
that this is the commitment i am ready for.
but what if it is just another wall.

can walls be built subconsiously?
is anything truely subconsious once it is realized?
how awkward, metacognition.

what if you turn around and fall right back where you were?
you assure yourself that it is hate. but how can it be?
are you strong enough to hate him?...were you ever strong enough to love him in the first place?

this time, you assure yourself, you simply went out and got what you wanted
you didnt wait to be chased. you didn't play things coi. there was no game.
but is that what you wanted.
because arn't you just like him?
full of adrenaline when you have to dodge and chase
but what when you are caught?
maybe the problem is, you have never finished the game.
like little children, when the game gets tedious or boring they pack it messily into the box and scamper away to the next activity.
the twister matt is wrinkled, the monopoly money unorganized, the revolver and candle stick missing.

missing.
is it ok to be missing part of yourself
and at the same time to expect someone to cater to your whole self?
it that missing self inturn, selfish?
How.

how might this one stranger,
this name you have known for so long to inhabbit other circles,
have you so well characterized?
why should that mean anything.
it should not?

you wanted a mask
here it is
your an actress?
here, a sene to play.

leave no mistake,
you don't want to be in love.


who is this - 'you' ?
what do 'you' know of this 'self' ?
precious little.