'73 pinto

goodbye to the person i thought you could be:

i never knew what you were running from, though i had a multitude of theories, i still don't know. but i see it catching up with you, and that should scare you. or the little piece of you i can almost see. ( i know i'm scared for you) but i owe you an apology, because i fell in love with saving you, and i held on to what i thought you could be.

regardless, this is me walking away. maybe now you can see yourself as you truely are, or maybe you'll deni it. but it's no longer me in the way of you getting the help you need.

i can't save you, i never could.

not quiet love,
most of me.

i discovered, last night while fending off a piss drunk ex, that maybe i have always felt that i was never enough to one person because that one person was to much for himself. i so wanted to save him, so much that his problem became mine. . and it took me seeing him weak and pathetic, begging me to keep loving him, to realize that not only do i not love him any longer, but that i was so consumed with saving him from himself that i prevented him from gettig the real help he needed. i thought that if i turned my back on him that i would be kicking the chair out from under him, after i had already suffered through watching him tie the noose. but i realized, and heaven only knows why it took me 5 years, that my constatnly picking him back up, listening and advising, giving and giving, that i was preventing him from seeking the help he truly needs. whats more, my being there to reessemble his pieces ment no one saw him as he was when he was broken. no one see's his problem because he saves it all for me.

well, no longer.

how is he different from any of the other AA clients i've worked with? why is he suspect to treatment that is strictly unprofessional? is it because i "loved" him? (or loved his disaster)

or better yet . . because i loved who i thought he could be. i saw his potental, i saw the him he didn't want to know. and that is what i could have loved. and last night i looked at him and for the first time, and couldn't see that person. and i knew i had lost.

lost? it was a fight i could never win. it was never even a fight i was able engage in. it was always between him and himself. i just didnt want to see it.

now i see it. clearly. and i am no longer scared for me or my emtions. but i am scared for him, and what comes next. because one thing is certain: i will not be there to pick up his pieces.