just stay the night

i feel as though i have a problem distinguishing between making my self happy and 'saving' others.

i use the word 'saving' sparingly because i, as anyone, realize that one cannot save another; the only person you can save is yourself. regardless, i tend to lose sight of this fact when in the thick of everything. this too i guess is partly my fault. - look at the feild i have choosen.

still . . when it comes to the sure thing or the instability of the wild card, i place my bets niavely. what mechanism in my head does not connect securtiy with happiness? in what way have i been happy watching people walk away from me?

but part of me has been happy, because i know each one of these people has heard me. heard what i am saying outside of any clinical boundry. the raw truth and attention to character in an intimate relationship draws you into a different part of a person. unfortunatly that is the part of a person that is skiddish. thats the part that runs. i'm personally aquatinted with a blur. (20,000 blurs and all i'm looking for is alittle clarity.)

so why do i feel like i am failing myself if i take a step towards simple, unabriged, black and white happiness? to easy? i have to work for it? or is it that i don't trust black and white - gray is safer because gray is familiar. it gives you leway, and time to think, time to run if you choose.

but searching for the part of someone to save is also familiar. i'm taking risks but i'm cowering at the same time. if i keep you so close to me, emotionally, you'll never stay. you are miles away on a different plain. delve into someones character, figure them out and know them like no one has tried and you'll be lucky if they stay around a month.

but i know this, and because i know this i am the coward. i keep people so close that i can;t touch them. so when i see someone who presents himself to me, time and time again, as selfsuficiant and uncomplicated. (he needs to be saved from nothing) why can't i take a step?

why can't i advocate a different familiar? a happiness perhaps. a satble routine to build an escape around. i could disapear from the 'resuce me' fucks and late night java hut sob stories and just be happy. maybe have a life outside of my personality?

it's not me. i can't leave a part of my person at "work". and i know this, that is the whole reason i know i am on the right carreer path.

really? is it so much to ask for just someone to step infront of me and say let me take the control for a bit. don't worry, i'll 'save' you.

yes it is. because i'm the only one to get me out of this rut. and if someone just steped in then obviously i would learn nothing about self.

fascinating, truely.

what have we learned jo?
"be an advocate for your own happiness. . step outside the box"

good.