sure surfaces

i think i have an inability to see my own defense mechanism as an excuse for behavior in others ..

example, how do you tell someone you like someone else better but initiate conversations more? something that was grating on my last nerve but i realized i do the same thing ..  everyone wants to be wanted no matter how much they don't want that other person .. and even if you don't want that other person right now if you keep them interested, even in the slightest, then if whatever you have moved on to pursue doesn't work out you have guaranteed yourself a back up plan.

i've done it more times than settles well with me but i resent being the one put on layaway. mostly because normally i don't play this game .. if i see this happening i cut ties, i don't bite .. but now i'm biting and i haven't the slightest idea why.

a lie .. i do know .. because there are inherent similarities in personality and defense mechanisms between all of the people that can tear me apart and i walked myself up to another one of these people and placed myself squarely in the palm of his hand -

because the devil i knew, even with a different face, the devil i knew was safer than saying no to what i knew i didn't want in someone else.

(is the underlying thought here that it is easier to hurt myself with something i do want than to hurt someone else who wants me that i don't want?) yes.