who destroys you

people are funny. maybe people are selfish. or just pathetic.

you see someone and expect to get your entire conscience mind seductively ripped out and shoved in a blender, when in fact there is noripping or blending.

but because you had braced yourself for it, and in a sick way almost looked forward to such consistency, you almost craved it.

crave is a delicate term, crave implies addiction, and who are we if we crave what deteriorates us (in an over dramatic emotional sense)
because such deterioration is dependable and comfortable?

but i am not deteriorating, berating myself for a lack of moral sense, or even feeling the least bit betrayed.

it was like storing up the anticipation for a later date, "hey right now i just want to sit next to you and be near you, but i know you know i want to fuck you."

it's a strategy, like in any other game, to keep you wanting more, clever and effective and in some cases completely unintentional.
and maybe i should not analyze these steps and appreciate the fact that i maintained some form of emotional clarity tonight, and realize that monthly midnight phone calls and stolen evenings don't constitute anything near love, but part of me feels a need too.

because over thinking means you are churning emotions, i want to hang on to something that i define as tangible and for once not accept it only to harden myself to it.

i guess that sometimes it's enough just to call, because i know you have nothing to say but wanted to call because a call means "I'm still here, and i hope you didn't forget me" - in both a sentimental and sinister context - because if you are thinking, (or missing? which may or may not equal craving?) then you are still caring. and maybe that is the only point that was important to communicate.

and maybe we are growing up, or maybe we are tired of hurting each other in the same ways.
i know, and have always known that it's okay not to talk, and just have conversations with your eyes. read each others minds, and take pleasure in just that simple fact . . knowing someone without saying a word. even if words are necessary.

sometimes you just want to know that a person is within reach, even if you are not reaching for them.
. . simple minded consistency and all that jazz.