things you swore to be true

can we assign ourself to the fringes of someone's life? can we elect to remove ourselves from the day to day of a person? from the things that effect them, and change them? can we be a constant influence from the sidelines?

and how fulfilling can a relationship be when the only reference you have of a person is isolated? are you then getting the whole person or merely the part that they project as desirable? and is it wrong to be okay with taking that removed part?

can you escape to person . . use a person as a way to be yourself and discard insecurity and love them for that? no, but you can love them for the function in your life .. 

is that selfish? of course .. but is it even more selfish to like that spot .. and to realize that because you have been placed in that role the other person also places himself in the same role. and is it ok to be that to each other and live your lives? 

or does it back fire. . can you really be all of yourself to someone else when you have a part of yourself you can only be with another person?

and isn't all of this wildly unhealthy to begin with? especially after 6 years .. 

 

things that didn't burn

do people enter our lives at points of significance? or do the construct themselves in order to set up comparisons? 

can people who have nothing to do with each other and still function to enhance the others function in our lives? 

of course .. because our subconscious is the common denominator . . so do we perceive people as foils to one another in order to process our relationships? or does this hinder our knowledge of the people we surround ourselves with?

and if so how do we see someone clearly? without transference? without hind sight? 

are we supposed to? 

or do we look different to every person close to us because they are also perceiving us with the same calloused eye? how can we ever know the field we are playing on if we don't know who we're playing against? 

how can we develop as individuals in another's narrative unless we know who the characters are that are effecting how we are perceived?

are we really just supposed to depend on the dialog? . . take all confrontation at face value? where is the perspective in the analysis? 

can we truly have that? or does that cheapen experience? 

and after all this what is there cheapen if we can't gain full perspective to being with?      

mended by who

split . . 

on the losing end

no choice 

in staying 

consistent, connected, comfortable. 

controlling your need with passive action. 

passive emotion in the face of knowing

the every now and then of wanting, 

   admitting to a need.

distance suffocating prospect, 

indiscretion. 

something devoid of ritual .. 

someone without the need for consistency

not me 

not in the i'm seen 

by you. 

stillness together

is it so much to ask that someone own up to their emotions? 

is it so weak to be decisive? vulnerable? 

or is it that once people have pin pointed an emotion there is not challenge and therefore no purpose? must we always be searching for something to justify our feelings? what if they just exist, mutually? does emotion lose purchase when there is no reason to prove it? if it is just known between two people that there is a connection is it not enough?

and if emotional fulfillment is not enough then what are we looking for?

are we looking for someone to hear us? and when we know we are being herd do we then have to project our doubt or indecision onto that persons understanding so that the picture is not so clear? 

is this over complication nothing more than a defense mechanism? or is it cyclical? things can't make sense for too long? or if they do make sense consistently how do we justify not wanting it, or not letting ourselves want it?

can we trust someone with everything that makes us hole accept ourselves? is it possible that those whom we trust are the most dangerous to us at our most vulnerable? 

or maybe it is that strong emotional connections are built on a comfort in unknowing rather than strength in internalizing the details. 

of a crumbling

i am attracted to people who can't take responsibility for their emotions. Maybe its to counter act my hyper awareness when it comes to my emotions .. or maybe it's a defense mechanism .. get involved with the ones who don't know what they want, or how to know, so that when you run he runs too and you can blame it on his lack of emotional competence. 

but then again .. who isn't more than a little afraid of being completely aware of what they're feeling? 

about the lily

is it possible to perceive a persons feeling about yourself? or are your perceptions always skewed with what you want to happen? is it even possible to know a person without personal gain influencing how you consider someone? 

or is it possible that things can be so clear that even what is wanted to or what should happen is apparent any way? and can they be the same?

is it realistic to think someone can unconsciously alternate their social strategies to protect themselves from something they fear? or fear wanting?

want must contain an element of fear, right? because if we weren't a little frightened of what we wanted there would be very little to stop us from obtaining it.. right? 

or maybe it is the projection of superficial want as a way to desensitize ourselves to what we need. and maybe what is needed is what is truly feared . .

and the river

to be

   of

to be 

    in 

to begin 

to be 

   with

to be 

    next to 

to know 

to be 

   known

to be 

    consumed 

to exist 

to be 

    understood by

to be 

    of 

someone. 

what silence can

the absence of something 

dreaded. fulfilling a need -  

something so needed it is wanted. 

a means to an end 

from the only beginning 

known.   remembered. 

mattered. 

what kills you doesn't matter like you want it to. 

like you need. 

we're made up but what matters - flawed boundaries 

patterns of moon

                     dark

 

the breaking of ritual 

and the significance of noticing. 

what if your eyes close

what gives emotion credibility? is it the ability to reproduce that emotion time and time again .. is it repetition that assigns credibility? or is it hindsight? the ability to reproduce a familiar emotion in a situation you recognize as more relevant than the first time the emotion was produced? 

does an emotion need to be creditable? does it need to be justified to be felt .. of course not. but if we do not need to justify our emotions, weather stagnant or evolving, then how do we find purpose in what we are pursuing? 

i'm not asking that emotion be rational, and maybe credibility is to much to ask as well .. but what i am looking for is what causes this emotion and what does or does not happen to make us believe in what we are feeling?

is it someone who acts different so we avoid transference and so feel the same emotions as new ones? or do we look for familiarity so as to profit from this same transference? 

this - it is clear- varies depending on what is being sought after. 

or is it that we need to experience familiarity without the temptation of transference? and maybe it is that lack of blending memories and people within that familiarity that makes things right for us. maybe it is feel familiarity with someone who is not and not needing to transfer past experience onto this person to make yourself comfortable. 

or could it be that genuine emotion can only be felt when one is completely devoid of familiarity? 

and how can we know?

fate once it's happened

if you are consciously aware of your unconscious defense mechanisms does that give you the ability to intersect them? or does it give you the chance to stand on the sidelines and watch yourself sabotage what could be good .. or could hurt .. or could follow the pattern that your subconscious has been constructed to prevent you from feeling . . again?

and if you know how your subconscious will function to destroy what you are scared of is it then conscious self sabotage to let your unconscious defense mechanisms take control?  are you acknowledging your subconscious only to step aside and let it do what you are scared it will do? because if you were truly going to make changes in your responses you would intersect the defense mechanism that sabotages potential.

or are you subconsciously so scared of that potential that you are unconsciously letting your conscious think it is in control? can you ever really be in complete control of your own emotional functioning? or is that the essential element that closes you off from connecting to other people?  

can you override all of this and just get what you want .. or is it that you can know all this about yourself and still not know what you want?

or if it is what you need - 

what if i leave

i have a window. 

that period of time where i can let myself feel one way or the other, and i've come to notice that this window is very small. but is that fair? if i meet a nice, genuine person is it fair that they have the same size window as someone who is not? 

and really, do i have any control over the size of this window?

or is it that i shouldn't worry about the opening and closing of the window but what gets through it while the window is open?

.  .  . 

is it the breaking of patterns that has me thinking like this? because if the pattern is broken doesn't that mean that the propensity for development of feeling - of love - is also broken? of course . . so if one pattern is broken doesn't it mean that more self destructive patterns can also be broken and the stage set for new ones to be formed?

or not even new ones to be formed .. but for freedom. . for emotion to be felt. its a freedom from my own responses. 

because all i want is to be a full person, and full people are not torn from ritual but liberated from it. 

 can chance be a catalyst of this liberation? can coincidence or what is meant to be or what ever else be the start of the broken routine? and is it significant that this catalyst was not in my control? does this cheapen this new found freedom? or is it truly the only way to feel free?

maybe its a mixture of everything .. or maybe it is a mixture of nothing but my own personal justification .. either way something is changing .. or something else is at least gaining potential.  

what takes away

untethered

unforgiven 

                - an un- of self,

     of worth 

     of past

a bit player 

                           fringes and predictions 

emotion

obtuse - reused

displaced 

    tattered hems of hope 

              neutral luck  - 

                                       chance.    

a chance to remember, memories underwater 

wet with desperation, 

changed as of present. repurchased significance 

                                        in my hand on your face, in the way we fit together on the hardwood. 

refurnished justification - validity in the shape of me, now

standing cold in the dark, 

full of the moon ; 

                                full of you. 

 

the moon itself no wiser

what do we want from people? do we want acceptance? a feeling of emotional justification? simple interpersonal understanding? just extensive knowledge of another person .. 

is it that being known and deriving intimacy from that knowness is what gives our day to day a series of complex purposeful moments? 

or is it that being known helps us know ourselves. . and isn't it true that we strive to know ourselves before we know anyone else? 

is it then selfish to want someone else simply as a gateway to yourself?

or is it worse to want someone because you already know yourself and are devoid of the feeling of needing anything else? 

can't we just want something without it tainting our credibility? or potential? or self assurance? is pure want all that bad? 

or is it that it is harder to cope with wanting the unjustifiable? because then we have only ourselves to blame for any number of emotional complications that arise from acting on want without specific purpose. 

really, we hide behind justification, the universal scape goat, to relinquish responsibility for our own emotional turmoil. 

because owning up to want and its pitfalls in essential self-efficacy - and who wants to be wrong regarding their own desire? 

maybe there is a default setting that lets us sit back and neutralize want until it is a tangible possibility? 

or maybe what we want is a manifestation of what we need and admitting that to ourselves would cheapen the desperation of wanting . .  

the air of an old place

sometimes 

your secret

moving underneath 

warmth, 

instant gratification -

 

reheated emotional sin.

 

anyone would drown

" No siren did ever so charm the ear of the listener as the listening ear has charmed the soul of the siren."

- Henry Taylor 

that i ever happened

feels like it should rain

inside this room;

soaking me

in nothing

that can be preserved.

this pool

where you used to be

spilling down hill

in a stream

of conscience

that left me

at its threshold

you'll find me,

molecules frozen,

in this storm -

waiting

cold and patient.

afraid of confrontation;

emotional laryngitis

warm in my flaws

i would tell you,

if the thunder behind your eyes

would quiet,

that your not to blame

for this night;

this insistent rain.

but i need someone to claim

this water on my skin.

a trace of what the air was filled with

brave enough

to offer this

distance.

this space 

between real 

and

our dreaming.

acting -

on impulse. 

the moment,

feel one 

descending    up(on)

fractions of time; fidelity.

of you plus me 

equals actuality. 

the divinity of wanting - 

close your eyes, 

breath, 

with me.

feel together

rise and fall, 

back down and release.

we are nature, instinct 

symmetry embellished 

by 

desire, 

entrapment 

evolving within single strokes 

of air

in and out,

form connection.

connecting.

caring nothing but for each exhale.

beneath this 

time is moving,

freezing,

expanding.

relentless is reality -

our grip within reason,

drowning in possession,

presiding in silence

after the fact. 

perpetually human

can we experience the same situations over and over? or do we experience so many similar experiences that we lose the ability to tell the difference? maybe we learn to associate certain emotions with certain out comes - as a preservation technique.

how do we undo this? get past it?

does it take someone changing the outcome of an event we feel is repetitive? why should it take someone else to change this?

do we get so bogged down within ourselves that we fail to dictate our own responses? do we rely on destructive repetition because we know nothing else? 

and how is that dissimilar events begin to blur together? bound by similar emotions, sounds, sensations. . 

how do we overcome this constant fear? this self fulfilling prophecy? 

is it possible that despite ourselves we act in ways we know are destructive because predictability makes us less vulnerable? 

 we learn from the ways we did not act previously, and from ways we did.

so to change what we see as identical we must push past the fear of a different out come? or push past the fear of the same? 

what if situations are not the same at all but because we see them as such we ruin potential? are we so jaded that it is impossible to asses people and places in and of themselves. an individual- without tainted perception? 

maybe it is the fear of being naive, of being wrong. maybe it is the fear of not having a safety net. because what is predictability if not a safety net? 

how do i become a more confrontational person without knowing the questions to ask? how do i know what answers makes this different from before? how do i know these answers when i never asked the questions initially? will it make a difference? 

can you push too hard? against yourself? someone else? want? illusion? 

if i cannot see this without the shadow of mistakes it will never be strong alone. 

but can it be strong without hindsight?

catch 22. 

what makes us strong within a relationship? 

what makes us strong out of ourselves? 

  

this space

poison

you are detriment 

to me -    seeking

pleasure against your

 will.  (my mind). 

did you 

find

what you wanted ?

here

under me, 

my skin. 

bury this alive

Does happiness strain credibility? Is there something in the human spirit that distrusts its own appetite, its own yearning for healing and contentment? 

- T. O'Brien 

Can we distrust our own capacity to create happiness for ourselves? is it  subconscious sabotage . . can we place people in our lives to fulfill superficial needs and reject the emotional outcome? or flip side; can we create and apply specific emotions to certain people to make them what we need?

how long can you hang on to something before it becomes redundant? before you stop asking the questions that matter because you doubt your capacity to adapt to new needs and wants? (progression of emotional healing?)

better yet how many boundaries are we willing to cross to test our subconscious; our emotional endurance? 

why do we do this? is it to make life feel real, "like it's supposed to?" is it to consciously sabotage ourselves because we in fact don't trust happiness? 

what gets us to that point? the point where we don't trust happiness . . 

perhaps it is because happiness that is not self made is unstable, or because we build happiness around people outside of ourself. if this happens how is it possible to be secure in this state? to be content i have found i have to be contented from the inside out . . relying on anything else (people, places, etc.)  is a mine field of false security - self destructive security.  

 

so what happens when you find security in self destruction? what happens when you rely on constant disappointment? do you put yourself in these situations because there is something safe in predictability? and once a predictable pattern of disappointment has been found do your not seek it out? 

because, back to square one, doesn't ritual seal love? 

how do you not "love" or "want" something that you have disillusioned yourself - conditioned yourself - to sustain yourself with?

i guess the real question is . . how do you strip down false pretenses of contentment and rebuild them on a sincerely personal level?  

(and how do you not do that alone?) 

disappear here

i am transparent touch.

felt, 

 forgotten - 

never held sincerely 

neither memory 

nor flesh. 

bound by existential 

forging. bound(aries)

need-want 

possession

saves me for your amnesia. 

a distance

i think that silence after sound is louder than no sound at all. 

brave enough to offer

take me there

deep under your bones

 (i want to be)

where the demand for human consistency 

is neutral 

where everyones skin

feels the same. 

like it's right

"One thing we do know: life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience? Because this is the experience you are having at this moment." 

- eckhart tolle 

like it's simple

a growing absence 

trapped, revolving dissatisfaction.

disillusion. 

magic lacking illusion. 

the perceived devoid of presence. 

or was it? i was there. i am her. 

the girl in the box, 

enough in parts. 

flawed as the whole. 

splintered in grey, 

outside the lines.

i am there. i was her.

fragments 

in the box, whole and splintered together.

i am this;

the show, the secret. 

  

 

tenth frame

can we be emotionally selfish? of course. but can we justify such selfishness? can we be so burdened by our unchanging, unfeeling, circumstances that we allow ourselves to take, with our minds and our impulses, what is not ours? 

and how is it possible to selectively adhere to certain emotions without the baggage of the resulting circumstances? 

its another compartment, sure, but compartments to neutralize moral objection? can we be so diluted by our own emotionally numbing minds that we forego the basic rules of engagement? what are the rules of attraction for the emotionally observant? 

i saw it coming. i knew what would happen. and i let it. does that make me a bad person? is it wrong to fully comprehend what one wants, one needs, what will happen, and then ignore the limitations set on a situation?

or was it already mine because of that inherent understanding? 

can you be morally objective in a cliche situation? can i justify my actions with my ability to see through people. 

so really can i justify my actions with his feelings? 

better yet, why don't i feel like i have to justify my actions to myself? don't i feel anything but more compartments separating and stacking? how can i feel so good about the good and lack feeling so bad about the bad and keep a focused eye on the big picture? 

that can't be normal. that won't allow another person room enough to get in. 

not a whole person.  

but how can i be content with taking fragments of people? how many pieces of a person do you need before you make them whole within yourself?

in 9 frames hideous; in the 10th beautiful. 

enough between them

Words, phrases, periods, commas, clichés, parts, self

 breast stroke through Keystone

                                                    aftertaste

                                                intoxicating on my neck

                                                a vampire bite

I don’t even know your last name

                                                In the dark

                                                spontaneity,

The mind lives for reprieve from anticipation.

                                                A dance with boundaries

                                                the Fred and Ginger of free falls.

How implausible to arrive at loneliness and feel the leaving of it

                                                simultaneously

                                                fleeting.

Advances of the flesh

                                                Persons pressed to parallel

A gesture of enough between them

                                                enough almost . .

                                                amazing but  . .  

                                                            if .. or .. when . .

conjunctions to poison hope,

for which the mind falls to a diet of despair. 

a warm warm touch

"It was a chase to show some emotion. I wasn't acting on passion i was simply acting. Because it seemed like the only thing to do."

- B.E. Ellis

The Rules of Attraction

but do i really feel that way? 

i couldn't find it today . . 

i threw myself at it and it wasn't there. 

nothing. 

which of course we know means everything.  

left of the spark

how is it people can distance themselves with intimacy? is the carnal nature of intimacy (or at least some forms of it) contradictory of valid emotion? or does it only validate emotional dependancy when there is an anticipated result of said intimacy? 

can i be so distanced from every situation i encounter because i am not anticipating in steering it in a certain direction? is it counterproductive to not know what i want out of a situation? 

can't you just go on feeling? situation? 

does there have to be a game and an objective?

it is apparent to me that if i act on feeling and instinct alone i am not enough. but if i play the game i'm too much. 

happy medium anyone? 

the woman who's sawed in half

Do i actively let things pass me by? 

because what's the difference between taking things as they come and taking things as the go? 

i feel like i am emotionally aware enough to accurately asses intimate situations and know what i do and do not want. i know though, that other people don't see that in me and i fear that it comes across that i am passive or emotionally distant. 

i'm the opposite; i happen to be a very passionate person. but to be so openly and emotionally secure is a mind set. it's not a switch - not showing that side is a defense mechanism i guess. because i know people won't except it as emotionally available but as flirtatious or desperate. so i i don't go there often or with many people. 

maybe because one was a period, one was a progression, one was emotional and one was spontaneous (felt right), that i don't ever know what to expect after. 

i don't expect people to stay. i expect to not be enough. i expect myself to run because i am scared of the latter. 

maybe it's because i still have these compartments that won't completely disintegrate, these people i put in boxes and stored away keep coming up. just to remind me that i am not as far away from who i used to be as i have convinced myself. 

but how do you rebel against the comfort of patterns without saving a little for yourself? i think definite endings scare me. i always leave a little in the bottom of the cup. 

i don't want anything left anymore. i want to be a full person. a full person who takes what comes and hangs onto it for a while. who will expect good things in her life for a change (or atleast not run from them). 

departure isn't escape. in any context. 

"at the end of the show the magician goes home. and so does the women who was sawed in half."  

today i'm yours

" I feel like people accept the first thing I show them and thats all I ever am to them. "

the more i explain myself to people the more i know they don't know me. or maybe they think they know me better than i know myself because they had preconceived ideals about my behavior. human beings are multilevel creatures . . we feel and process emotion and action on so many levels that it is a wonder we can justify our actions at all.

so why do people insist on explaining me? why do these people i try to get close to feel the need to justify me as part of their life?

somebody asked me why things weren't black and white, by things he implied me. i don't think it's that i'm not open to black and white situations it's just that i don't trust people who claim to be capable of them (including myself). human emotion can't function in simple "you + me" terms.

we need purpose, potential, and exponential amounts of emotional energy - none of which falls into a simple 1+1=2 category.
predictably i refused something/one that i wanted because i happened to easily. it was too simple and i couldn't trust it.

do we create complications in interpersonal situations like this because we are scared? because as much as we tell ourselves what we want when we come face to face with it we can't own up to it? because it's safer to be lonely?  

but is it? lonely means i'm in my head too much. and well its good to be emotionally aware being to aware is harmful to my own personal happiness. at least that's how it seems right now. 

not persephone

i think that i subconsciously pick up on what other people are feeling and project that onto their perception of me. this could be why i can never help myself with my own interpersonal problems.

if you are always feeling what others are feeling how do you feel for yourself. how do you even know what you, yourself, is feeling? you can't right? not wholly anyway.

but how do you help people if you can't get into what they are feeling? if you don't have complete understanding of their emotions and their perceptions then how can you give honest advice. you can't.

i have always been the person who tells everyone it will be okay. and then i make it okay.
(for everyone but myself.)

i guess i try to hard to make people know i care? i get invested in their problems because i feel like that is a progression of trust and personal connection. that is what is necessary to help people. and that is what i do. that is what i am good at. so why can't i be "good" at my own life?

i had to run into something closely resembling a mental break down to grasp this concept.
sadly the only thing/person i could think that would bring me comfort was someone so diluted in addiction and self consequence that he thinks he loves me.

is it wrong that i can find more comfort in someone else's delusion than i can in my own emotional clarity? or is it that i am simply too scared to take the steps that will make me both more aware of this flaw and more aware of how to go about making myself happy?

how do i even discern those "steps"? and once i do how do i over come the fear of making my own happiness?
better still, why does that scare me?

reviving ophelia

everyday is a battle between what I want to know and what I don't want to let myself figure out.

i think i know myself to well sometimes. I know i get emotionally claustrophoic when things are too easy. really i can't handle when people want to get close to me, i feel like i'm being hunted rather than casually pursued. and i don't know why, i have no grand fear of intimacy, i actually get too close to people, and i am finally in a position where i would really like to settle down and start something. so why when that option arises do i find reasons to avoid it?

or am i just avoiding it because i am not attracted to those who want to persue me? I go on one date with a guy, he tells me i'm beautiful, calls when he says he will and i run? there has to be something wrong with that .. thats miles past self sabotage. maybe i don't like things to be that easy, or maybe it's been proven that when things seem too good to be true they probably are but i feel like thats a bit to cliche.

maybe it's that i like to have things on my own terms so if i turn and run i'm not hurting someone. . except myself? is it that i don't want to be responsible for anyone elses emotions?

maybe i find inherant saftey in compartments and i'm scared to expose a whole self .. but i wasn't when the person didn't want it .. maybe it was because i his emotional state was not my responsibility.

am i so much of myself that i fear i'll overtake someone else?
or is it arrogant to think that i can read people so well that i can be what they need and completely disown myself in the process?

i'll compartmentalize despite myself. and being lonely isn't a good enough reason to drag someone into my life only to torture them psycholofically.

pathetically i have done this for years and missed out on a lot of great things and instead persued people that left me untouched emotionally. i can play games but i can't feel anything . . what a "tragic flaw."

gone without leaving

"Heart as collapsed time, as dug-up grave, as simple machine. . Heart as love being made, as fucking, as a pleasantly haunted house. . Heart as throw your hands up in the air, throw your art at the stars, stutter and stare. . Heart as all that we thought we knew in the world disapears into vapor. . Heart as the rest of your life times the weight of the world squared."




is comfort between two people the gun shot that starts the race? that begs you to run?
or is "comfort" an illusion that sneaks up on us when we're not looking?

who are we to know what the right moments are? who are we to know what feelings are real?
can we always miss eachother? falling in and out simultaneously.
and how can we run from what anchors us? we never go away, so you're wasting your breath.

maybe you should use it instead to say what you mean. or what you don't. as long as you say something - then can your breath really be wasted?

say something that matters. or do something that screams at us. at me.

do. something.
(because it's already to late)

grab onto me tightly

can relationships go in reverse? or are they full circles? what if they are just a fragment of time spent from one month to the next? can they evolve and devolve like one that you work for daily? hourly? like house plants? house plants vs. cactus'?

maybe i just don't understand how something that used to be a whirlwind of awkward silences and standing too close moments could, 3 months later, become easy convesation and comfortable laughter. .

after we take time away from someone do we feel comfort like this because it is essentially starting over? is it simply familiar territory? a scene already played?

or is it that when greeting a friend, after time, as a stranger, you realize what you orginally saw as endearing in a person? do you see a new part of someone everytime you meet? or is that only after time away that you see changes and evolution?

are we really all strangers to eachother, constantly changing and therefore constantly re-intoroducing people to our lives? and if so, what makes us continually appreciate the people we call our friends? do people change so gradually that we change with them? in conjunction with them so that the changes are not consious but more inevitable?

i guess this could explain why love and hate are such close emotions. if we are infatuated with a persons good qualities, the character traits we keep meeting and growing with, does it not stand to reason that we must also be infatuated with their qualities that are lacking or irritating? sure.

so really, if we become strangers to eachother over time then it is possible that time can fix things. make them feel like they used to. atleast for a little while. and maybe they will be better because you start over as strangers growing together, and if you both are different then maybe instead of growing apart you will grow together.

either this is ludicrously cliche or i'm on to something here . .