reviving ophelia

everyday is a battle between what I want to know and what I don't want to let myself figure out.

i think i know myself to well sometimes. I know i get emotionally claustrophoic when things are too easy. really i can't handle when people want to get close to me, i feel like i'm being hunted rather than casually pursued. and i don't know why, i have no grand fear of intimacy, i actually get too close to people, and i am finally in a position where i would really like to settle down and start something. so why when that option arises do i find reasons to avoid it?

or am i just avoiding it because i am not attracted to those who want to persue me? I go on one date with a guy, he tells me i'm beautiful, calls when he says he will and i run? there has to be something wrong with that .. thats miles past self sabotage. maybe i don't like things to be that easy, or maybe it's been proven that when things seem too good to be true they probably are but i feel like thats a bit to cliche.

maybe it's that i like to have things on my own terms so if i turn and run i'm not hurting someone. . except myself? is it that i don't want to be responsible for anyone elses emotions?

maybe i find inherant saftey in compartments and i'm scared to expose a whole self .. but i wasn't when the person didn't want it .. maybe it was because i his emotional state was not my responsibility.

am i so much of myself that i fear i'll overtake someone else?
or is it arrogant to think that i can read people so well that i can be what they need and completely disown myself in the process?

i'll compartmentalize despite myself. and being lonely isn't a good enough reason to drag someone into my life only to torture them psycholofically.

pathetically i have done this for years and missed out on a lot of great things and instead persued people that left me untouched emotionally. i can play games but i can't feel anything . . what a "tragic flaw."