the more i explain myself to people the more i know they don't know me. or maybe they think they know me better than i know myself because they had preconceived ideals about my behavior. human beings are multilevel creatures . . we feel and process emotion and action on so many levels that it is a wonder we can justify our actions at all.
so why do people insist on explaining me? why do these people i try to get close to feel the need to justify me as part of their life?
somebody asked me why things weren't black and white, by things he implied me. i don't think it's that i'm not open to black and white situations it's just that i don't trust people who claim to be capable of them (including myself). human emotion can't function in simple "you + me" terms.
we need purpose, potential, and exponential amounts of emotional energy - none of which falls into a simple 1+1=2 category.
predictably i refused something/one that i wanted because i happened to easily. it was too simple and i couldn't trust it.
do we create complications in interpersonal situations like this because we are scared? because as much as we tell ourselves what we want when we come face to face with it we can't own up to it? because it's safer to be lonely?
but is it? lonely means i'm in my head too much. and well its good to be emotionally aware being to aware is harmful to my own personal happiness. at least that's how it seems right now.
1 comment:
we live in a world where people try so hard to create black and white. we're so driven by linear thinking...this or that, yes or no.
sometimes, you have to live in the grey. you have to live for the "and."
...of course, it doesn't help when we mistrust what we see because we think it's too easy. it's pounded into us that nothing is ever free. TRUST me, I know. we tell ourselves that we're imagining things, that we're only seeing what we want to see, disbelieving that maybe we might be seeing it because it's really there.
In short...we have a LOT of catching up to do, my dear. I miss you SO much and I have so much to tell you. (and I apologize for the comment nearly as long as your post!)
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