gone without leaving

"Heart as collapsed time, as dug-up grave, as simple machine. . Heart as love being made, as fucking, as a pleasantly haunted house. . Heart as throw your hands up in the air, throw your art at the stars, stutter and stare. . Heart as all that we thought we knew in the world disapears into vapor. . Heart as the rest of your life times the weight of the world squared."




is comfort between two people the gun shot that starts the race? that begs you to run?
or is "comfort" an illusion that sneaks up on us when we're not looking?

who are we to know what the right moments are? who are we to know what feelings are real?
can we always miss eachother? falling in and out simultaneously.
and how can we run from what anchors us? we never go away, so you're wasting your breath.

maybe you should use it instead to say what you mean. or what you don't. as long as you say something - then can your breath really be wasted?

say something that matters. or do something that screams at us. at me.

do. something.
(because it's already to late)

grab onto me tightly

can relationships go in reverse? or are they full circles? what if they are just a fragment of time spent from one month to the next? can they evolve and devolve like one that you work for daily? hourly? like house plants? house plants vs. cactus'?

maybe i just don't understand how something that used to be a whirlwind of awkward silences and standing too close moments could, 3 months later, become easy convesation and comfortable laughter. .

after we take time away from someone do we feel comfort like this because it is essentially starting over? is it simply familiar territory? a scene already played?

or is it that when greeting a friend, after time, as a stranger, you realize what you orginally saw as endearing in a person? do you see a new part of someone everytime you meet? or is that only after time away that you see changes and evolution?

are we really all strangers to eachother, constantly changing and therefore constantly re-intoroducing people to our lives? and if so, what makes us continually appreciate the people we call our friends? do people change so gradually that we change with them? in conjunction with them so that the changes are not consious but more inevitable?

i guess this could explain why love and hate are such close emotions. if we are infatuated with a persons good qualities, the character traits we keep meeting and growing with, does it not stand to reason that we must also be infatuated with their qualities that are lacking or irritating? sure.

so really, if we become strangers to eachother over time then it is possible that time can fix things. make them feel like they used to. atleast for a little while. and maybe they will be better because you start over as strangers growing together, and if you both are different then maybe instead of growing apart you will grow together.

either this is ludicrously cliche or i'm on to something here . .

a flower for every rifle

you had me open. you could have taken any part. didn't. just mixed things up, emptied my compartments. my cafeful distance. we spanned less than touch, more than also. my suttures are artistic. impressive and unhidden since you pulled out my drawers. everything hardening into one. singular and pathetic. you had me open. scratch. a pure substance.

you. part of the mixture.







i want to be a whole person, now it is a goal, something i see in everyday. and now that i have been made aware of my flaw i see it in other people, and i want them to be aware like i am. i want them to know they are hurting themselves. i guess that is natural, once you know something about yourself you realize it is not so much unique as it is part of human nature. its like a protection device, preservation. everything comes down to preservation. as if we are truly cowardice at our core, because connecting to another person takes so much more than it should seem to. because imagining hurt doesn't compare in the slightest to actual hurting. and when you've been hurting yourself, when blame is removed, it is all the worse. and all the more poetic.

or tragic.

lullaby(e) appetite

i haven't slept in the past 4 nights. not well anyway.

is it too cliche to want to breath with someone? to want mutual stillness?
probably:




wholeness; a blanket
my coma.
stranded sleepless,
revolving door scences
play to you;
dry and dark.
disapointment, morphine
sweating under stillness.
lovesongs for the ceiling,
a lullabye i didn't write.
contours and stucco
lay down and relive you
awake. absent touch.
weigh me down
make me heavy.

graceful misspellings

i think that even when you decide to be a whole person people will still walk away. or maybe they are running.

you can't preserve anything with wholeness can you? nope, you can't.
not even yourself.

what is it about the constant threat of disapointment that makes us skiddish around an unmistakable display of reality? is it resentment? hindsight?

is it self sabotage? i had contact with "my" addiction and therefore by confronting my compartments and finding a small amount of comfort in them i screwed myself over? i projected my fear of a good thing - self fulfilling prophecy?

i refuse to believe there is a perfectly good reason why i should be ok with this. i'm not ok with it this time.
maybe because i found someone to blame for the development of my biggest flaw? is it his fault that this good thing is slipping out of my hands and i can't hold it? or is it my fault for not realizing it sooner?

could i have done anything?
it couldnot have simply been his function to present to me my inner flaws and then not be the one to help me correct them. why would someone fall into your path to write you a song and pull you togther just in time to break you back into pieces when he leaves with someone else.

there is someting wrong with this.
i don't want to be whole to hurt. i want to be whole to feel right. i want to pull myself together for a reason.

myself is not reason enough.
but should it be?

mutual

3 AM exhales
poetry under your skin
punctuated
stolen from my tounge





. . .

change me back

"when we're together pieces of me keep falling off and it's not supposed to be that way - 'love' is not supposed to be that way."



i realized a fairly worrisome thing about myself the other day. . i compartmentalize.
emotions, people, situations, i seperate them with a fair amount of subconscious accuracy.

i think it's a learned behavior . . in order to seperate myself from "his" addiction i had to seperate the part of myself that cared for him from the rest of my life. i shut parts of me down to deal with the rest. and when other people came into the picture i turned off half of myself inorder to give them what they diserved.

survival insinct turned habbit. all of a sudden you fuck 3 guys in a weekend and its not a problem . . all of a sudden you don't feel anything. (atleast not on your own) the only reason you feel is because that is what the scene calls for, you have so many pieces that you can't justify a whole person that feels independantly.

i want to feel something again.

thats why i am so scared i'm going to fuck up this good thing. i want this person to be able to know a whole me. organic and sincere. i don't want to give him pieces and i don't want to break into smaller parts either.

now that i am aware of how i defend myself can i shut if off? i can stop, i can avoid spliting myself physically to protect myself emotionally. i can see this one out. honest and upfront like normal people.

i think part of this "fear" that i am suddenly obsesed with is a fear that i cant break old habbits and be all things to one person. i try to help people, please people, save people. so what happens when they don't need saving? don't need touching?
just need me?

i'm scared i can't be all things to one person.
but thats normal. . if can break my habbits . . my subconsious ritual. . then can't i be a whole person for this one.

and isn't "all" really "whole?" you cant be everything to one but you can be everypart of yourself to another persons wholeness.

can't you?

splintered inside

you'll take me now
behind these strings
trap me here
a niche, abandonment
a song you sing me
steals against desire
preservation in your melody
deteriorate me
break down and harmonize me
i'm your riff, rythm, 6 string symphony
do what you can
keep me at your hand
change your mind
paint me on this canvas
save me to play to
i want to feel you
leave this taste in me
i don't want to forget
these words you wrote resist me
hiding from alone again
write this song for you
tell me i belong

paperweight

why do i judge progress on physical thresholds?

why in heavens name can't i just be happy with someone who appreciates my brain and my sarcastic charm and not worry about the frequecy of physical conact? why do i take this as such a rejection when really it is the biggest guesture of acceptance i have recieved in years?

have i really relied soley on physical gratuities as a measure of connection? pathetic.

i want to be happy with this. i want to be? i am, but i don't know how to enjoy it without the fear of losing it. i have noticed the patterns that plauged me through school and i can't shake the feeling that they are doomed to repeat. which of course is ridiculous. but can you blame me from fearing that the past will repeat itself . . esspecially since it has so often before?

maybe it's intamacy issues. we are both terrified of being trampled on, which if you think about it is fairly redundant because if we both fear it we will save eachother from it at all costs. but how can we "save" eachother from anything if we are continuously dancing around the subject of intamacy.

"this is right but i'm scared" honesty, but is it a cop-out too? i can't decide and i think its sad, atleast on my part, that i can't trust the sincerity of another persons fears. how can he judge the legitamacy of mine if i doubt his?

and .. why is it not ok to still be recovering, hurting, and moving on at the same time. why can't we have a good thing while some small parts of us still hurt? will that increase the likely hood that we will unintentionally hurt eachother? no i think it will have the opposite effect. won't we be more conscience of the other and therefore more in tune with ourselves?

i believe you can hurt and heal simultaneously. of course you can - thats how we survive.

why isnt this a good thing? it is.

then why am i so scared it will disapear?

i have to get past this. . really.

hold me any way you can

arms length and groping
white blind minds
drenched stark to feel
live in you moments
find this place in your song
need in breathing
inches spanning hot heat
preservation
a ritual of rise and fall
arms length and clinging
break me into something new.

cropcirlces in the carpet

so it seems i can't put this theory to rest; ritual seals love. it just makes alot of sense to me, and truth be told i've experienced it enough times to know that there is a fair amount of validity in such a statement.

my question now is, is it possible to realize the power of ritual and therefore avoid it in attempts to not be victim of its effects? simply, can this person know, as i know, how ritual effects people and avoid its effects because they are aware that they are already experiencing some amount of feeling before the ritual has had time to substantiate itself.

i mean . . can we avoid ritual in order to deny our true feelings? if ritual seals love and we are already infatuated then we are obviously inclined to fear such "love" because we were not ready for even the infatuation.

if we are not looking for something and suprisingly stumble across it we will steal ourselves against it as a defense mechanism. but, if both people are acutly aware that this technique is a defense mechanism isn't it failry redundant to avoid said ritual.

so it is.

and so, if i am to understand it correctly, this person who is suprised and unprepared will sample the ritual/intimacy and then push it away in order to keep their feelings in check. (all the while preserving their vulnerability behind the vauge excuse of "not wanting to hurt" the other person)

is this a cop-out? a compromise? or even more painful because it takes a constant emotional reassesment of wants/needs/desires. and really, is it worth it? would it not be more gratifying to simply give in and make yourself ready for something before it passes by? or is this simply a away for preserving a situation until you are ready to deal with it?

all of this aside, how do i handle it? one of the best things i have found is running laps around grey area.
why can't we ever decide concisely what we want?

because we are always scared of the present mimicking the past. because people who are aware of their emotional weaknesses avoid being vulnerable. and what is a good situation but two people of equal vulnerability preserving eachother.

so is co-dependance all about preservation? most likely.

laughter; to stand it.

you can't save someone, but can you keep them alive by loving them?

not even loving - not even. can you sustain them by caring? is that too simple of a sentiment? or is that me being dillusional and falling back into the trap i love to hate? i might as well ask if you can presume need though physical action. or is our blood so conveluted with the exsistential predisposition towards lust that such a presumption is an imposibility? and if so how can you tell what is sincere and what is obligatory? what feels right versus what you know should be right.

maybe my real issue tonight is the expression of need. i spent years needing someone to need me - needing to be enough. funny thing, the second i recognized that and stopped needing it, he started to need me back. it was a confession to late and an ommision short lived.

how cliche.
i am at the same place i have been time and time and time and time and time again . . but this time feels different? or pathetically the same. . i have yet to decide which.


* * *

i went back. at one in the morning i went back to find out. its how it should have been to start with but it's too late. or how it's supposed to be. but part of me is curious? or nostalgic? or . . lonely.

i've cared so hard and he's still here; alive and in my life. but what is sustinance? a need or rather something that when obtained fulfills a need. so his need for me to care was fulfilled by my need for him to survive - which was consequently brought about by my caring for him regardless.

it's circular and profound.
and my desire to feel what should be right vs. what is right is in a sense null and void. right?

need is organic, lust is intrinsic but survival is always the goal. so does it even matter what gets us through? what makes us whole - or atleast creates the illusion of wholeness.

anchor: twice removed

how do you know when to worry about an absence of feeling? or about the perpetual presence of simple, superficial annoyance?

i save my emotional intensity for 3 situations. that '73 pinto, my dirty little secret, and the present (whoever/whatever that may be). not the healthiest way to experience things - but honestly what is?

the problem? i didn't feel anything tonight, not with the "secret." in fact i was almost annoyed that i was numb/dry - unfazed. it is simply the passive attempt at faking normalcy which i have come to perfect. tonight i longed for something or anything different. alien; not him.

i despise the present "situation" in its entirety, i don't want to touch it with a 10 foot pole. it's just so androgynous.

nothing i even remotly want.

and the "pinto" is now being used as a catalyst - as inspiration - to meet a deadline. emotionally i have been shut off. (atleast in the sense of living/evolving emotion, as i would hate to contradict the principles of inspiration and all. .) i'm eerily devoid of any sense of right/wrong according to him and flushed of all obligation. which is, as i've said, a long time coming and a good thing.

i pull them toward me; because i am lonely. i crave familiarity when it is at my disposal (which is rare), and i guess this is a desire to feel old comfort, it's taking bits and pieces of myself back after all these years.

(it's good, probably healthy. cut ties and get on with my life from here. but the feeling isn't settling well inside me. at least not right now.)

needless to say fragile identities are broken when the familiar is no longer. i've changed. . true. but so has the gravity of all of these relationships. so has the dynamic of need and want.

it's a poetic obligation?

to me that's fairly sad.