change me back

"when we're together pieces of me keep falling off and it's not supposed to be that way - 'love' is not supposed to be that way."



i realized a fairly worrisome thing about myself the other day. . i compartmentalize.
emotions, people, situations, i seperate them with a fair amount of subconscious accuracy.

i think it's a learned behavior . . in order to seperate myself from "his" addiction i had to seperate the part of myself that cared for him from the rest of my life. i shut parts of me down to deal with the rest. and when other people came into the picture i turned off half of myself inorder to give them what they diserved.

survival insinct turned habbit. all of a sudden you fuck 3 guys in a weekend and its not a problem . . all of a sudden you don't feel anything. (atleast not on your own) the only reason you feel is because that is what the scene calls for, you have so many pieces that you can't justify a whole person that feels independantly.

i want to feel something again.

thats why i am so scared i'm going to fuck up this good thing. i want this person to be able to know a whole me. organic and sincere. i don't want to give him pieces and i don't want to break into smaller parts either.

now that i am aware of how i defend myself can i shut if off? i can stop, i can avoid spliting myself physically to protect myself emotionally. i can see this one out. honest and upfront like normal people.

i think part of this "fear" that i am suddenly obsesed with is a fear that i cant break old habbits and be all things to one person. i try to help people, please people, save people. so what happens when they don't need saving? don't need touching?
just need me?

i'm scared i can't be all things to one person.
but thats normal. . if can break my habbits . . my subconsious ritual. . then can't i be a whole person for this one.

and isn't "all" really "whole?" you cant be everything to one but you can be everypart of yourself to another persons wholeness.

can't you?