paperweight

why do i judge progress on physical thresholds?

why in heavens name can't i just be happy with someone who appreciates my brain and my sarcastic charm and not worry about the frequecy of physical conact? why do i take this as such a rejection when really it is the biggest guesture of acceptance i have recieved in years?

have i really relied soley on physical gratuities as a measure of connection? pathetic.

i want to be happy with this. i want to be? i am, but i don't know how to enjoy it without the fear of losing it. i have noticed the patterns that plauged me through school and i can't shake the feeling that they are doomed to repeat. which of course is ridiculous. but can you blame me from fearing that the past will repeat itself . . esspecially since it has so often before?

maybe it's intamacy issues. we are both terrified of being trampled on, which if you think about it is fairly redundant because if we both fear it we will save eachother from it at all costs. but how can we "save" eachother from anything if we are continuously dancing around the subject of intamacy.

"this is right but i'm scared" honesty, but is it a cop-out too? i can't decide and i think its sad, atleast on my part, that i can't trust the sincerity of another persons fears. how can he judge the legitamacy of mine if i doubt his?

and .. why is it not ok to still be recovering, hurting, and moving on at the same time. why can't we have a good thing while some small parts of us still hurt? will that increase the likely hood that we will unintentionally hurt eachother? no i think it will have the opposite effect. won't we be more conscience of the other and therefore more in tune with ourselves?

i believe you can hurt and heal simultaneously. of course you can - thats how we survive.

why isnt this a good thing? it is.

then why am i so scared it will disapear?

i have to get past this. . really.