graceful misspellings

i think that even when you decide to be a whole person people will still walk away. or maybe they are running.

you can't preserve anything with wholeness can you? nope, you can't.
not even yourself.

what is it about the constant threat of disapointment that makes us skiddish around an unmistakable display of reality? is it resentment? hindsight?

is it self sabotage? i had contact with "my" addiction and therefore by confronting my compartments and finding a small amount of comfort in them i screwed myself over? i projected my fear of a good thing - self fulfilling prophecy?

i refuse to believe there is a perfectly good reason why i should be ok with this. i'm not ok with it this time.
maybe because i found someone to blame for the development of my biggest flaw? is it his fault that this good thing is slipping out of my hands and i can't hold it? or is it my fault for not realizing it sooner?

could i have done anything?
it couldnot have simply been his function to present to me my inner flaws and then not be the one to help me correct them. why would someone fall into your path to write you a song and pull you togther just in time to break you back into pieces when he leaves with someone else.

there is someting wrong with this.
i don't want to be whole to hurt. i want to be whole to feel right. i want to pull myself together for a reason.

myself is not reason enough.
but should it be?