anchor: twice removed

how do you know when to worry about an absence of feeling? or about the perpetual presence of simple, superficial annoyance?

i save my emotional intensity for 3 situations. that '73 pinto, my dirty little secret, and the present (whoever/whatever that may be). not the healthiest way to experience things - but honestly what is?

the problem? i didn't feel anything tonight, not with the "secret." in fact i was almost annoyed that i was numb/dry - unfazed. it is simply the passive attempt at faking normalcy which i have come to perfect. tonight i longed for something or anything different. alien; not him.

i despise the present "situation" in its entirety, i don't want to touch it with a 10 foot pole. it's just so androgynous.

nothing i even remotly want.

and the "pinto" is now being used as a catalyst - as inspiration - to meet a deadline. emotionally i have been shut off. (atleast in the sense of living/evolving emotion, as i would hate to contradict the principles of inspiration and all. .) i'm eerily devoid of any sense of right/wrong according to him and flushed of all obligation. which is, as i've said, a long time coming and a good thing.

i pull them toward me; because i am lonely. i crave familiarity when it is at my disposal (which is rare), and i guess this is a desire to feel old comfort, it's taking bits and pieces of myself back after all these years.

(it's good, probably healthy. cut ties and get on with my life from here. but the feeling isn't settling well inside me. at least not right now.)

needless to say fragile identities are broken when the familiar is no longer. i've changed. . true. but so has the gravity of all of these relationships. so has the dynamic of need and want.

it's a poetic obligation?

to me that's fairly sad.