swords and honey

it's profoundly accurate that our memories (or verbal recalls - relaying stories) become a collaboration of what really happened, what should have happened, what we wanted to happen, and what we precieved to happen.

memories, in a profound sense, fuel our misconceptions, our false hopes, even our inacurate apprasal of situations and our actions toward them. if i, therefore, relay an evening, verbally, am i consiously skewing facts to paint a picture of what i wanted to happen? even if i hear myself saying it, thinking i should correct myself with additional information and i don't, is that just the inherint need for me to justify my desire?

i, by telling parts of a story to justify the whole, am there for fueling my own misplaced hopes. the ones that, like clock work, get let down later.

part of this could be my fear of interpersonal confrontation. and the dislike for setting myself up for things i don't want to hear.

but i'm thinking more along the lines of we can prevent, in someways our own heart ache if only we realize that half (potenitaly more) of it is self inflicted. if we declare every situation as raw and as it was. removing the should have and the wanted to we are only left subject to reality and perception. things we know we cannot change anyway.

i think the only way to overcome what we want to happen interfearing with perception is to acknowledge desire and the reality of that desire in the context of our situation.

by owning up to that desire upfront we have eliminated the extent of its subconcious power, because if you think about it, by rationalizing desire you are neutralizing it. because desire is flimsy, like lust, it only exsists in the realm of possibility and hollow security. if brought into the light and defined, by both reality and personal origin, then we are able to combat desire - for the most part- with rational thought and interventions of reality.

so . . if from memory we rely on what happened and what we percieved, in the imediate - the short run (which we all know evolves into the long run) - we have assesed a situation as purely as we can. from what happened and not what we wanted to happen. by removing the temptation of altering memory to justify desire we can spare ourselves mutual diapointment and misconstructed reality.

really, this turns "i want to be with you" back into "i had a great night"
it turns those flowers from devotion back to decoration.

clearly, im grasping at straws to save myself here.