somewhere to fall apart

so .. the bad memories make us human, the hurt makes us who we are. there is no way that intense emotional stress cannot shape you. your views, future actions, and personality. this i have found is, to most, more than common knowledge.

keeping that in mind what does revisiting the plane of identical emotional stress do to us? how does one revisit a past self and feel progressive? do you pose a detriment to all you have learned from a situation if you go back to it. and better yet, if you forgive someone does that forgiveness take the edge off the resentment? does even the slightest amount of curiosity or forgiveness then make you vulnerable to the same situations over and over.

but how can you function in society without forgiveness? eventually you would be alone and bitter, and while this is a stage we all go through, it is nothing permanent because we forgive.

insert the cliche, forgive but don't forget. it's not forgetting that is the issue, it's seeing clearly similar situations but thinking that because it was once forgiven it is now something manageable. that is to say, the same scene - post forgiveness- is different because of how it is viewed by the individual.

once processed and cleaned up, emotions can become dormant, and by the time they resurface it's to late to turn and run. there is no graceful exit once you realize forgiveness and strength are not synonymous.

forgiving hurt, accepting pain does not have to mean the re acceptance to naivety. in fact it's not that at all . . forgive me if i have not expressed that. i do think that, however personally gratifying and necessary the act of forgiving and accepting is, is it not also selfless. think about it, your saying "you know you stuck my heart in a three speed blender on high and i'm ok with it . . here try it again if you like."

and that is never the intent, i know. i know. but how can you help but not feel that way, even just alittle. don't you, by releaving another of their guilt (or hurting you) give a piece of yourself back to them. doesn't that say that you want them to have access to a part of you. even if it is just alittle part? and how is anyone ok enough with that to forgive whole heartedly?

i'd be willing to believe there are varying degrees of sincerity and motivation in each acceptance. but what i can't quite grasp is how one can be so selfless and so trusting to give someone 5, 10 tries to get something right?

so then how can i demand second chances? and how in heavens name can i turn someone away?

how can i be on both sides of the same coin and not trust either of them.
it's not as easy as an apology, and it's sure as hell not as easy as forgiveness.

but if you can't do either how can you move forward?



you can't. can you?