a distance

i think that silence after sound is louder than no sound at all. 

brave enough to offer

take me there

deep under your bones

 (i want to be)

where the demand for human consistency 

is neutral 

where everyones skin

feels the same. 

like it's right

"One thing we do know: life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience? Because this is the experience you are having at this moment." 

- eckhart tolle 

like it's simple

a growing absence 

trapped, revolving dissatisfaction.

disillusion. 

magic lacking illusion. 

the perceived devoid of presence. 

or was it? i was there. i am her. 

the girl in the box, 

enough in parts. 

flawed as the whole. 

splintered in grey, 

outside the lines.

i am there. i was her.

fragments 

in the box, whole and splintered together.

i am this;

the show, the secret. 

  

 

tenth frame

can we be emotionally selfish? of course. but can we justify such selfishness? can we be so burdened by our unchanging, unfeeling, circumstances that we allow ourselves to take, with our minds and our impulses, what is not ours? 

and how is it possible to selectively adhere to certain emotions without the baggage of the resulting circumstances? 

its another compartment, sure, but compartments to neutralize moral objection? can we be so diluted by our own emotionally numbing minds that we forego the basic rules of engagement? what are the rules of attraction for the emotionally observant? 

i saw it coming. i knew what would happen. and i let it. does that make me a bad person? is it wrong to fully comprehend what one wants, one needs, what will happen, and then ignore the limitations set on a situation?

or was it already mine because of that inherent understanding? 

can you be morally objective in a cliche situation? can i justify my actions with my ability to see through people. 

so really can i justify my actions with his feelings? 

better yet, why don't i feel like i have to justify my actions to myself? don't i feel anything but more compartments separating and stacking? how can i feel so good about the good and lack feeling so bad about the bad and keep a focused eye on the big picture? 

that can't be normal. that won't allow another person room enough to get in. 

not a whole person.  

but how can i be content with taking fragments of people? how many pieces of a person do you need before you make them whole within yourself?

in 9 frames hideous; in the 10th beautiful. 

enough between them

Words, phrases, periods, commas, clichés, parts, self

 breast stroke through Keystone

                                                    aftertaste

                                                intoxicating on my neck

                                                a vampire bite

I don’t even know your last name

                                                In the dark

                                                spontaneity,

The mind lives for reprieve from anticipation.

                                                A dance with boundaries

                                                the Fred and Ginger of free falls.

How implausible to arrive at loneliness and feel the leaving of it

                                                simultaneously

                                                fleeting.

Advances of the flesh

                                                Persons pressed to parallel

A gesture of enough between them

                                                enough almost . .

                                                amazing but  . .  

                                                            if .. or .. when . .

conjunctions to poison hope,

for which the mind falls to a diet of despair. 

a warm warm touch

"It was a chase to show some emotion. I wasn't acting on passion i was simply acting. Because it seemed like the only thing to do."

- B.E. Ellis

The Rules of Attraction

but do i really feel that way? 

i couldn't find it today . . 

i threw myself at it and it wasn't there. 

nothing. 

which of course we know means everything.  

left of the spark

how is it people can distance themselves with intimacy? is the carnal nature of intimacy (or at least some forms of it) contradictory of valid emotion? or does it only validate emotional dependancy when there is an anticipated result of said intimacy? 

can i be so distanced from every situation i encounter because i am not anticipating in steering it in a certain direction? is it counterproductive to not know what i want out of a situation? 

can't you just go on feeling? situation? 

does there have to be a game and an objective?

it is apparent to me that if i act on feeling and instinct alone i am not enough. but if i play the game i'm too much. 

happy medium anyone? 

the woman who's sawed in half

Do i actively let things pass me by? 

because what's the difference between taking things as they come and taking things as the go? 

i feel like i am emotionally aware enough to accurately asses intimate situations and know what i do and do not want. i know though, that other people don't see that in me and i fear that it comes across that i am passive or emotionally distant. 

i'm the opposite; i happen to be a very passionate person. but to be so openly and emotionally secure is a mind set. it's not a switch - not showing that side is a defense mechanism i guess. because i know people won't except it as emotionally available but as flirtatious or desperate. so i i don't go there often or with many people. 

maybe because one was a period, one was a progression, one was emotional and one was spontaneous (felt right), that i don't ever know what to expect after. 

i don't expect people to stay. i expect to not be enough. i expect myself to run because i am scared of the latter. 

maybe it's because i still have these compartments that won't completely disintegrate, these people i put in boxes and stored away keep coming up. just to remind me that i am not as far away from who i used to be as i have convinced myself. 

but how do you rebel against the comfort of patterns without saving a little for yourself? i think definite endings scare me. i always leave a little in the bottom of the cup. 

i don't want anything left anymore. i want to be a full person. a full person who takes what comes and hangs onto it for a while. who will expect good things in her life for a change (or atleast not run from them). 

departure isn't escape. in any context. 

"at the end of the show the magician goes home. and so does the women who was sawed in half."  

today i'm yours

" I feel like people accept the first thing I show them and thats all I ever am to them. "

the more i explain myself to people the more i know they don't know me. or maybe they think they know me better than i know myself because they had preconceived ideals about my behavior. human beings are multilevel creatures . . we feel and process emotion and action on so many levels that it is a wonder we can justify our actions at all.

so why do people insist on explaining me? why do these people i try to get close to feel the need to justify me as part of their life?

somebody asked me why things weren't black and white, by things he implied me. i don't think it's that i'm not open to black and white situations it's just that i don't trust people who claim to be capable of them (including myself). human emotion can't function in simple "you + me" terms.

we need purpose, potential, and exponential amounts of emotional energy - none of which falls into a simple 1+1=2 category.
predictably i refused something/one that i wanted because i happened to easily. it was too simple and i couldn't trust it.

do we create complications in interpersonal situations like this because we are scared? because as much as we tell ourselves what we want when we come face to face with it we can't own up to it? because it's safer to be lonely?  

but is it? lonely means i'm in my head too much. and well its good to be emotionally aware being to aware is harmful to my own personal happiness. at least that's how it seems right now. 

not persephone

i think that i subconsciously pick up on what other people are feeling and project that onto their perception of me. this could be why i can never help myself with my own interpersonal problems.

if you are always feeling what others are feeling how do you feel for yourself. how do you even know what you, yourself, is feeling? you can't right? not wholly anyway.

but how do you help people if you can't get into what they are feeling? if you don't have complete understanding of their emotions and their perceptions then how can you give honest advice. you can't.

i have always been the person who tells everyone it will be okay. and then i make it okay.
(for everyone but myself.)

i guess i try to hard to make people know i care? i get invested in their problems because i feel like that is a progression of trust and personal connection. that is what is necessary to help people. and that is what i do. that is what i am good at. so why can't i be "good" at my own life?

i had to run into something closely resembling a mental break down to grasp this concept.
sadly the only thing/person i could think that would bring me comfort was someone so diluted in addiction and self consequence that he thinks he loves me.

is it wrong that i can find more comfort in someone else's delusion than i can in my own emotional clarity? or is it that i am simply too scared to take the steps that will make me both more aware of this flaw and more aware of how to go about making myself happy?

how do i even discern those "steps"? and once i do how do i over come the fear of making my own happiness?
better still, why does that scare me?

reviving ophelia

everyday is a battle between what I want to know and what I don't want to let myself figure out.

i think i know myself to well sometimes. I know i get emotionally claustrophoic when things are too easy. really i can't handle when people want to get close to me, i feel like i'm being hunted rather than casually pursued. and i don't know why, i have no grand fear of intimacy, i actually get too close to people, and i am finally in a position where i would really like to settle down and start something. so why when that option arises do i find reasons to avoid it?

or am i just avoiding it because i am not attracted to those who want to persue me? I go on one date with a guy, he tells me i'm beautiful, calls when he says he will and i run? there has to be something wrong with that .. thats miles past self sabotage. maybe i don't like things to be that easy, or maybe it's been proven that when things seem too good to be true they probably are but i feel like thats a bit to cliche.

maybe it's that i like to have things on my own terms so if i turn and run i'm not hurting someone. . except myself? is it that i don't want to be responsible for anyone elses emotions?

maybe i find inherant saftey in compartments and i'm scared to expose a whole self .. but i wasn't when the person didn't want it .. maybe it was because i his emotional state was not my responsibility.

am i so much of myself that i fear i'll overtake someone else?
or is it arrogant to think that i can read people so well that i can be what they need and completely disown myself in the process?

i'll compartmentalize despite myself. and being lonely isn't a good enough reason to drag someone into my life only to torture them psycholofically.

pathetically i have done this for years and missed out on a lot of great things and instead persued people that left me untouched emotionally. i can play games but i can't feel anything . . what a "tragic flaw."

gone without leaving

"Heart as collapsed time, as dug-up grave, as simple machine. . Heart as love being made, as fucking, as a pleasantly haunted house. . Heart as throw your hands up in the air, throw your art at the stars, stutter and stare. . Heart as all that we thought we knew in the world disapears into vapor. . Heart as the rest of your life times the weight of the world squared."




is comfort between two people the gun shot that starts the race? that begs you to run?
or is "comfort" an illusion that sneaks up on us when we're not looking?

who are we to know what the right moments are? who are we to know what feelings are real?
can we always miss eachother? falling in and out simultaneously.
and how can we run from what anchors us? we never go away, so you're wasting your breath.

maybe you should use it instead to say what you mean. or what you don't. as long as you say something - then can your breath really be wasted?

say something that matters. or do something that screams at us. at me.

do. something.
(because it's already to late)