of which they contain the most

from now on i am going to trust that some people are capable of taking responsibility for their emotions, and equally capable of communicating the emotions they are willing to take responsibility for. 

this is not to say that i am turning a blind eye on the way people make themselves feel, or the things they do because they are afraid (etc). but with this, right now, i am going to trust that being let in a little at a time is progress, and that eventually seeing a whole picture will be worth something. 

because i am so sick of being disappointed by people. 

in this way i will at least know the mechanism that has the potential to disappoint and be less afraid of its consequences. 

alright. 

sometimes the fall

i'm not 

able to comprehend

distance in the context

and inevitability of 

emotions,

revolving around expectations, or a lack there of -

of it for you. 

not it. 

like waiting to be kissed

- tagged

by your bruises 

running around with bleeding knees 

and aching joints

we're getting older - 

but not old enough, for you to believe

me when i say 

i'm not it; 

you don't think. 

tired, skin on skin, 

it's about time, 

laugh and a look, like you want me stationary

"you make me feel something"

not leading you 

to any safe place, there is no safe

count again

from ten. 

run, 

chase - 

you promise to tag, 

i'm not it? 

it for you

 How are saying the right things, and knowing what's going to be said, influenced by how accurately a person sees us for who we are? or how we want to be seen? And how does this picture of accuracy influence our emotions?

Does this overview allow us to trust our circumstances more? or to trust ourselves with the potential of our emotions less? 

In particular, how does this situation enable someone to heal themselves from whatever past hurt they have erected as a boundary?  is it even possible to help someone overcome what they have already told themselves is the problem? 

When someone processes things the same way you do, with the same amount of self awareness, is there anything else to do but understand and maintain this acute awareness? 

i think it's rare. i was able to understand another persons needs to push me away and pull me closer at the same time, what's more i was able to identify the mechanisms he used to do so, and fully understand what was about to happen. And this gave me an implausible sense of calm. not only, but comfort too. . there was safety in all of this knowing. (and his knowing i knew). 

it was also refreshing to hear someone admit that i at least made them feel something, and in this context it sounded like that was both rare and necessary. and maybe this shared understanding, and comfort in the negation of expectations, is what people need to connect with each other. 

I don't know if i know what happy without expectations is supposed to feel like. but i think it's a lot like this. something untarnished but inherently tangible . . 

because it's not about being enough for someone, or trying to love or lust after someone, it's about understanding someone in the way they understand themselves. 

and what freedom it allows in the silence between two bodies breathing mutually.   

trust me in the morning

could it be that we only maintain close relationships with people in our lives who are able to acknowledge the moments we experience as significant. Do those who contextualize a relationship serve little other function than to give these moments purchase? 

we look for support in those we are close too just as we look for validation that what we are feeling, experiencing, or remembering legitimate emotions in response to an event. what gives us this validation is the exposition rendered by an informed observer. 

so, a drunken, impulsive indiscretion on the surface is given redeemed purchase to the individual who realizes that this action is the result of 12 years of sexual tension and hypothetical expectations. 

here we are validated by those in whom we confide because they do not require us to justify our actions. Just the same however, do we have to justify our actions to the party of our inhibition? what if this person does not see these actions in the same context? 

how do we justify the perception of those party to our desire? is it fair to assume the confidant with sufficient exposition is considering the perception of the other person involved when validating our actions? 

no. 

as a result, is it then impossible to validate discretionary actions taken in or out of context? how do we redeem our sense of control over the evolution of a long standing relationship without this validation? 

is it possible to justify any action, no matter how small, without context or exposition?

in other words, can our emotions, experiences, and feelings exist free of justification? Can we experience emotions without context? and without it are our emotions valid?  

how does one validate the emotional evolution (or devolution) of a relationship without the awareness of mediating factors? It makes me wonder if any relationship can exist on its own without baring the weight circumstance. 

the days it's true

"the reappearance of the lady is a matter of individual taste."  - will goldston, tricks and illusions

what is the significant part of this ritual? is it the consistent reappearance after any amount of time passed? or is it the continued disappearance at the end of the night?

is there enough magic in disappearing in a puff of smoke to make the lady reappear only to watch her vanish? what is the sought after illusion? if you think of ritual/ relationships as magic tricks . . illusions . . then which part makes us re-enter the theater and buy another ticket for the same show? 

are we attracted to the subtle set up? the erotic distraction that draws the audiences attention away from the trick? is it the glamour of the act, entering the box, shackling the wrists? or is it the big reveal, when the box opens and she's gone, no trace left other than the memory of her once being tangible? 

and if the lady reappears before the curtain goes up are we disenchanted? is the assistant a mere tool to be beckoned to? waiting for her cue? or is she ultimately in control? because there is no magic if she chooses not to disappear . .  

truthfully the magic lies in the hands of those willing to facilitate it. 

or she believed

you are 

not 

saying what you think 

i don't 

know. 

barriers like m&m's . . rum 

classy and gluttonous 

like you and i 

consumption of

consuming each

consumed by 

the other. 

in low ceilings and re-run light 

we are 

always 

far from faithful 

nothing unacknowledged is true 

a code of reappearing 

disappearing, 

trap doors and basement stairs.  

knives through the box

curtain over the tank 

holding our breath 

until the lady 

(i play, i wait to play)

doesn't give the impression

of being. 

love me back

is it possible we focus so intently on knowing how good we could be for other people that we forget to demand other people be good for us? 

at what point do you realize you have gained nothing from any (intimate) relationship in which you have entered? about the point you realize nothing has changed .  . 

i could play this game blind folded with both hands tied behind my back -a fact i am less than proud of  .. i hate that i am not surprised by the indecency of human behavior or the faithless tendencies of anyone promising to love you. 

but what's worse is my fear that if i demand more from these people i will lose them. even worse is the fear of losing superficial relationships like these to begin with.

lack of confrontational skills? lack of other options? lack of ability to believe i will find/deserve something better? 

D.) all of the above

this road before

why is it that the only people who truly understand me on an intellectual level somehow eject themselves from my life? 

whether its running off to china or running away from a goodbye they all seem to be fleeting glimpses into a connection that i don't seem to be capable of sustaining. 

are people who get this close ill equipped for an extensive friendship? does their brevity serve a purpose? or is this some form of unconscious punishment i inflict upon myself. 

is the ultimate irony in this chapter my inability to maintain the relationships that i need?  

a written invitation

feeling good and feeling right are two different things. I think that we assume that the two should be mutually exclusive and we therefore try to force one to be synonymous with the other. 

good and right are not interchangeable feelings but they are both finite terms of compatibility .. at least separately? "right" is only environmentally and opportunistically sanctioned and can be radically changed by circumstance and/or priorities. 

"good" is a more superficial satisfaction, sexual or emotional satisfaction (etc) that is limited to hours/days give or take some .. but it's fleeting and non-withstanding in terms of longevity or even significance. 

so should we look for both together? should one develop before the other? or is there another factor all together that i have get to acknowledge as a priority? because really emotionality is subjective . . but then again isn't everything?

of course.    

this broken stem for you i loved

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.  - oscar wilde 

it's not though. 

what is the difference between ritual and habit? ritual (i still believe) seals love, but does habit make ritual redundant? is habit condescending? 

because isn't habit something we do without conscious thought? isn't habit mindless? in fact, habit, it stands to reason, derails the function of ritual. habit is then the antithesis of ritual - a way out. 

because if ritual seals love then said ritual becoming a habit would imply that the ritualistic behaviors are no longer effective in sustaining an emotion, therefore the behavior becomes second hand (thoughtless) while the emotions deteriorate. 

and is it our fault that we fall victim to habit? when the once fruitful ritual loses significance but the act remains how do extricate ourselves? and what happens when the act is altered, when something is added after the purchase of ritual has been lost? is that significant? or is it the final deterioration of the once ritual into a habitual action without consequence of emotion? 

can we consciously extricate ourselves from emotional repercussions by changing the habitual act so that it regresses to a time before the ritual was cemented? and if this is possible is it then possible to relinquish our willingness to form habitual relationships that are devoid of emotional faculties?  

but here

i have realized that certain people (mother) around me create limits for themselves and then try to justify these boundaries by creating limitations for other people around them (me). 

there is no reason not to go somewhere because you don't like the throughway, there is no reason to tell you daughter not to get her doctorate in NC because you aren't willing to visit, there is no reason you can't take your dog to the beach just because he won't pee in the grass. 

really. 

and what's worse is that these self imposed limitations are selfish, they are nothing more than a resentful, bitter, attempt at transferring ones boredom and disappointment at their own life on someone else. 

i don't need that. i need people who can be happy for me because i am breaking boundaries, not irrationally mad at me because i am not staying confined within in their comfort zone. 

i expect more than that from the people i'm surrounded by; the problem is i find it impossible to extricate myself from this particular relationship as it is one of the few that has no choice but to last a life time. 

ergo, i have no choice but to mutter under my breath like an immature teenager and sneak around behind the backs of those who should be the most supportive because they are too near sighted to see the bigger picture. 

holes growing in it

its amazing to me how relative our existence becomes in the face of tragedy. people search for a community when normalcy is disrupted, when the relativity of our untouched realities is extracted and defaced. 

how much of shared grief is a function of pretension? necessity? is this need for community an ingrained coping mechanism? is this how we cope with the disruption of complacency? 

is this what makes us believe we will never be completely alone? 

the ability to grieve simultaneously with those who have become all but strangers? or the ability to achieve simultaneous mourning for a time in our lives where reality seemed less aggressive; where we weren't strangers? 

at least pretend like we had one

it is interesting to think that relationships are an integral part to human existence and relationships themselves are so consequential because they generally come with an expiration date. what's weird then is that no matter how serious or casual the relationship our knee jerk reaction is to resist its ending. 

recently i have seen people pull away to avoid this anxiety over the conclusion of interpersonal relationships. the most common excuse i hear is 'well i'm never going to call you or see you or bother to keep in touch after i leave."

it seems like our defense mechanism is to react to ending with degradation, as if cheapening the significance of the relationship makes leaving all the more justifiable.  

this degradation, it has also become apparent, gives way to physical vices one part of the relationship would never visit (or revisit as the case may be) unless there is an imminent ending. 

the potential vulnerability appropriated by endings gives us both cause to rebel against significance and at the same time give more significance or greater degradation to a relationship by taking it out of the emotional and into the physical realm. 

even if this physicality is not realized its inclination is significant with reference to the  rapid evolution a relationship endures in its last leg. 

and what does the ending do in regards to the relationships course up until that point. is a relationship given more purchase because the ending is sentimental? or less because the relationship is cheapened by a cowardly exit. or is sentimental physicality, or the desire for it, the ultimate cowardly act because it distracts from the reality of ending?