fate once it's happened

if you are consciously aware of your unconscious defense mechanisms does that give you the ability to intersect them? or does it give you the chance to stand on the sidelines and watch yourself sabotage what could be good .. or could hurt .. or could follow the pattern that your subconscious has been constructed to prevent you from feeling . . again?

and if you know how your subconscious will function to destroy what you are scared of is it then conscious self sabotage to let your unconscious defense mechanisms take control?  are you acknowledging your subconscious only to step aside and let it do what you are scared it will do? because if you were truly going to make changes in your responses you would intersect the defense mechanism that sabotages potential.

or are you subconsciously so scared of that potential that you are unconsciously letting your conscious think it is in control? can you ever really be in complete control of your own emotional functioning? or is that the essential element that closes you off from connecting to other people?  

can you override all of this and just get what you want .. or is it that you can know all this about yourself and still not know what you want?

or if it is what you need - 

what if i leave

i have a window. 

that period of time where i can let myself feel one way or the other, and i've come to notice that this window is very small. but is that fair? if i meet a nice, genuine person is it fair that they have the same size window as someone who is not? 

and really, do i have any control over the size of this window?

or is it that i shouldn't worry about the opening and closing of the window but what gets through it while the window is open?

.  .  . 

is it the breaking of patterns that has me thinking like this? because if the pattern is broken doesn't that mean that the propensity for development of feeling - of love - is also broken? of course . . so if one pattern is broken doesn't it mean that more self destructive patterns can also be broken and the stage set for new ones to be formed?

or not even new ones to be formed .. but for freedom. . for emotion to be felt. its a freedom from my own responses. 

because all i want is to be a full person, and full people are not torn from ritual but liberated from it. 

 can chance be a catalyst of this liberation? can coincidence or what is meant to be or what ever else be the start of the broken routine? and is it significant that this catalyst was not in my control? does this cheapen this new found freedom? or is it truly the only way to feel free?

maybe its a mixture of everything .. or maybe it is a mixture of nothing but my own personal justification .. either way something is changing .. or something else is at least gaining potential.  

what takes away

untethered

unforgiven 

                - an un- of self,

     of worth 

     of past

a bit player 

                           fringes and predictions 

emotion

obtuse - reused

displaced 

    tattered hems of hope 

              neutral luck  - 

                                       chance.    

a chance to remember, memories underwater 

wet with desperation, 

changed as of present. repurchased significance 

                                        in my hand on your face, in the way we fit together on the hardwood. 

refurnished justification - validity in the shape of me, now

standing cold in the dark, 

full of the moon ; 

                                full of you. 

 

the moon itself no wiser

what do we want from people? do we want acceptance? a feeling of emotional justification? simple interpersonal understanding? just extensive knowledge of another person .. 

is it that being known and deriving intimacy from that knowness is what gives our day to day a series of complex purposeful moments? 

or is it that being known helps us know ourselves. . and isn't it true that we strive to know ourselves before we know anyone else? 

is it then selfish to want someone else simply as a gateway to yourself?

or is it worse to want someone because you already know yourself and are devoid of the feeling of needing anything else? 

can't we just want something without it tainting our credibility? or potential? or self assurance? is pure want all that bad? 

or is it that it is harder to cope with wanting the unjustifiable? because then we have only ourselves to blame for any number of emotional complications that arise from acting on want without specific purpose. 

really, we hide behind justification, the universal scape goat, to relinquish responsibility for our own emotional turmoil. 

because owning up to want and its pitfalls in essential self-efficacy - and who wants to be wrong regarding their own desire? 

maybe there is a default setting that lets us sit back and neutralize want until it is a tangible possibility? 

or maybe what we want is a manifestation of what we need and admitting that to ourselves would cheapen the desperation of wanting . .  

the air of an old place

sometimes 

your secret

moving underneath 

warmth, 

instant gratification -

 

reheated emotional sin.

 

anyone would drown

" No siren did ever so charm the ear of the listener as the listening ear has charmed the soul of the siren."

- Henry Taylor 

that i ever happened

feels like it should rain

inside this room;

soaking me

in nothing

that can be preserved.

this pool

where you used to be

spilling down hill

in a stream

of conscience

that left me

at its threshold

you'll find me,

molecules frozen,

in this storm -

waiting

cold and patient.

afraid of confrontation;

emotional laryngitis

warm in my flaws

i would tell you,

if the thunder behind your eyes

would quiet,

that your not to blame

for this night;

this insistent rain.

but i need someone to claim

this water on my skin.

a trace of what the air was filled with

brave enough

to offer this

distance.

this space 

between real 

and

our dreaming.

acting -

on impulse. 

the moment,

feel one 

descending    up(on)

fractions of time; fidelity.

of you plus me 

equals actuality. 

the divinity of wanting - 

close your eyes, 

breath, 

with me.

feel together

rise and fall, 

back down and release.

we are nature, instinct 

symmetry embellished 

by 

desire, 

entrapment 

evolving within single strokes 

of air

in and out,

form connection.

connecting.

caring nothing but for each exhale.

beneath this 

time is moving,

freezing,

expanding.

relentless is reality -

our grip within reason,

drowning in possession,

presiding in silence

after the fact. 

perpetually human

can we experience the same situations over and over? or do we experience so many similar experiences that we lose the ability to tell the difference? maybe we learn to associate certain emotions with certain out comes - as a preservation technique.

how do we undo this? get past it?

does it take someone changing the outcome of an event we feel is repetitive? why should it take someone else to change this?

do we get so bogged down within ourselves that we fail to dictate our own responses? do we rely on destructive repetition because we know nothing else? 

and how is that dissimilar events begin to blur together? bound by similar emotions, sounds, sensations. . 

how do we overcome this constant fear? this self fulfilling prophecy? 

is it possible that despite ourselves we act in ways we know are destructive because predictability makes us less vulnerable? 

 we learn from the ways we did not act previously, and from ways we did.

so to change what we see as identical we must push past the fear of a different out come? or push past the fear of the same? 

what if situations are not the same at all but because we see them as such we ruin potential? are we so jaded that it is impossible to asses people and places in and of themselves. an individual- without tainted perception? 

maybe it is the fear of being naive, of being wrong. maybe it is the fear of not having a safety net. because what is predictability if not a safety net? 

how do i become a more confrontational person without knowing the questions to ask? how do i know what answers makes this different from before? how do i know these answers when i never asked the questions initially? will it make a difference? 

can you push too hard? against yourself? someone else? want? illusion? 

if i cannot see this without the shadow of mistakes it will never be strong alone. 

but can it be strong without hindsight?

catch 22. 

what makes us strong within a relationship? 

what makes us strong out of ourselves? 

  

this space

poison

you are detriment 

to me -    seeking

pleasure against your

 will.  (my mind). 

did you 

find

what you wanted ?

here

under me, 

my skin. 

bury this alive

Does happiness strain credibility? Is there something in the human spirit that distrusts its own appetite, its own yearning for healing and contentment? 

- T. O'Brien 

Can we distrust our own capacity to create happiness for ourselves? is it  subconscious sabotage . . can we place people in our lives to fulfill superficial needs and reject the emotional outcome? or flip side; can we create and apply specific emotions to certain people to make them what we need?

how long can you hang on to something before it becomes redundant? before you stop asking the questions that matter because you doubt your capacity to adapt to new needs and wants? (progression of emotional healing?)

better yet how many boundaries are we willing to cross to test our subconscious; our emotional endurance? 

why do we do this? is it to make life feel real, "like it's supposed to?" is it to consciously sabotage ourselves because we in fact don't trust happiness? 

what gets us to that point? the point where we don't trust happiness . . 

perhaps it is because happiness that is not self made is unstable, or because we build happiness around people outside of ourself. if this happens how is it possible to be secure in this state? to be content i have found i have to be contented from the inside out . . relying on anything else (people, places, etc.)  is a mine field of false security - self destructive security.  

 

so what happens when you find security in self destruction? what happens when you rely on constant disappointment? do you put yourself in these situations because there is something safe in predictability? and once a predictable pattern of disappointment has been found do your not seek it out? 

because, back to square one, doesn't ritual seal love? 

how do you not "love" or "want" something that you have disillusioned yourself - conditioned yourself - to sustain yourself with?

i guess the real question is . . how do you strip down false pretenses of contentment and rebuild them on a sincerely personal level?  

(and how do you not do that alone?) 

disappear here

i am transparent touch.

felt, 

 forgotten - 

never held sincerely 

neither memory 

nor flesh. 

bound by existential 

forging. bound(aries)

need-want 

possession

saves me for your amnesia. 

a distance

i think that silence after sound is louder than no sound at all.