not persephone

i think that i subconsciously pick up on what other people are feeling and project that onto their perception of me. this could be why i can never help myself with my own interpersonal problems.

if you are always feeling what others are feeling how do you feel for yourself. how do you even know what you, yourself, is feeling? you can't right? not wholly anyway.

but how do you help people if you can't get into what they are feeling? if you don't have complete understanding of their emotions and their perceptions then how can you give honest advice. you can't.

i have always been the person who tells everyone it will be okay. and then i make it okay.
(for everyone but myself.)

i guess i try to hard to make people know i care? i get invested in their problems because i feel like that is a progression of trust and personal connection. that is what is necessary to help people. and that is what i do. that is what i am good at. so why can't i be "good" at my own life?

i had to run into something closely resembling a mental break down to grasp this concept.
sadly the only thing/person i could think that would bring me comfort was someone so diluted in addiction and self consequence that he thinks he loves me.

is it wrong that i can find more comfort in someone else's delusion than i can in my own emotional clarity? or is it that i am simply too scared to take the steps that will make me both more aware of this flaw and more aware of how to go about making myself happy?

how do i even discern those "steps"? and once i do how do i over come the fear of making my own happiness?
better still, why does that scare me?

reviving ophelia

everyday is a battle between what I want to know and what I don't want to let myself figure out.

i think i know myself to well sometimes. I know i get emotionally claustrophoic when things are too easy. really i can't handle when people want to get close to me, i feel like i'm being hunted rather than casually pursued. and i don't know why, i have no grand fear of intimacy, i actually get too close to people, and i am finally in a position where i would really like to settle down and start something. so why when that option arises do i find reasons to avoid it?

or am i just avoiding it because i am not attracted to those who want to persue me? I go on one date with a guy, he tells me i'm beautiful, calls when he says he will and i run? there has to be something wrong with that .. thats miles past self sabotage. maybe i don't like things to be that easy, or maybe it's been proven that when things seem too good to be true they probably are but i feel like thats a bit to cliche.

maybe it's that i like to have things on my own terms so if i turn and run i'm not hurting someone. . except myself? is it that i don't want to be responsible for anyone elses emotions?

maybe i find inherant saftey in compartments and i'm scared to expose a whole self .. but i wasn't when the person didn't want it .. maybe it was because i his emotional state was not my responsibility.

am i so much of myself that i fear i'll overtake someone else?
or is it arrogant to think that i can read people so well that i can be what they need and completely disown myself in the process?

i'll compartmentalize despite myself. and being lonely isn't a good enough reason to drag someone into my life only to torture them psycholofically.

pathetically i have done this for years and missed out on a lot of great things and instead persued people that left me untouched emotionally. i can play games but i can't feel anything . . what a "tragic flaw."