that i ever happened

feels like it should rain

inside this room;

soaking me

in nothing

that can be preserved.

this pool

where you used to be

spilling down hill

in a stream

of conscience

that left me

at its threshold

you'll find me,

molecules frozen,

in this storm -

waiting

cold and patient.

afraid of confrontation;

emotional laryngitis

warm in my flaws

i would tell you,

if the thunder behind your eyes

would quiet,

that your not to blame

for this night;

this insistent rain.

but i need someone to claim

this water on my skin.

a trace of what the air was filled with

brave enough

to offer this

distance.

this space 

between real 

and

our dreaming.

acting -

on impulse. 

the moment,

feel one 

descending    up(on)

fractions of time; fidelity.

of you plus me 

equals actuality. 

the divinity of wanting - 

close your eyes, 

breath, 

with me.

feel together

rise and fall, 

back down and release.

we are nature, instinct 

symmetry embellished 

by 

desire, 

entrapment 

evolving within single strokes 

of air

in and out,

form connection.

connecting.

caring nothing but for each exhale.

beneath this 

time is moving,

freezing,

expanding.

relentless is reality -

our grip within reason,

drowning in possession,

presiding in silence

after the fact. 

perpetually human

can we experience the same situations over and over? or do we experience so many similar experiences that we lose the ability to tell the difference? maybe we learn to associate certain emotions with certain out comes - as a preservation technique.

how do we undo this? get past it?

does it take someone changing the outcome of an event we feel is repetitive? why should it take someone else to change this?

do we get so bogged down within ourselves that we fail to dictate our own responses? do we rely on destructive repetition because we know nothing else? 

and how is that dissimilar events begin to blur together? bound by similar emotions, sounds, sensations. . 

how do we overcome this constant fear? this self fulfilling prophecy? 

is it possible that despite ourselves we act in ways we know are destructive because predictability makes us less vulnerable? 

 we learn from the ways we did not act previously, and from ways we did.

so to change what we see as identical we must push past the fear of a different out come? or push past the fear of the same? 

what if situations are not the same at all but because we see them as such we ruin potential? are we so jaded that it is impossible to asses people and places in and of themselves. an individual- without tainted perception? 

maybe it is the fear of being naive, of being wrong. maybe it is the fear of not having a safety net. because what is predictability if not a safety net? 

how do i become a more confrontational person without knowing the questions to ask? how do i know what answers makes this different from before? how do i know these answers when i never asked the questions initially? will it make a difference? 

can you push too hard? against yourself? someone else? want? illusion? 

if i cannot see this without the shadow of mistakes it will never be strong alone. 

but can it be strong without hindsight?

catch 22. 

what makes us strong within a relationship? 

what makes us strong out of ourselves? 

  

this space

poison

you are detriment 

to me -    seeking

pleasure against your

 will.  (my mind). 

did you 

find

what you wanted ?

here

under me, 

my skin. 

bury this alive

Does happiness strain credibility? Is there something in the human spirit that distrusts its own appetite, its own yearning for healing and contentment? 

- T. O'Brien 

Can we distrust our own capacity to create happiness for ourselves? is it  subconscious sabotage . . can we place people in our lives to fulfill superficial needs and reject the emotional outcome? or flip side; can we create and apply specific emotions to certain people to make them what we need?

how long can you hang on to something before it becomes redundant? before you stop asking the questions that matter because you doubt your capacity to adapt to new needs and wants? (progression of emotional healing?)

better yet how many boundaries are we willing to cross to test our subconscious; our emotional endurance? 

why do we do this? is it to make life feel real, "like it's supposed to?" is it to consciously sabotage ourselves because we in fact don't trust happiness? 

what gets us to that point? the point where we don't trust happiness . . 

perhaps it is because happiness that is not self made is unstable, or because we build happiness around people outside of ourself. if this happens how is it possible to be secure in this state? to be content i have found i have to be contented from the inside out . . relying on anything else (people, places, etc.)  is a mine field of false security - self destructive security.  

 

so what happens when you find security in self destruction? what happens when you rely on constant disappointment? do you put yourself in these situations because there is something safe in predictability? and once a predictable pattern of disappointment has been found do your not seek it out? 

because, back to square one, doesn't ritual seal love? 

how do you not "love" or "want" something that you have disillusioned yourself - conditioned yourself - to sustain yourself with?

i guess the real question is . . how do you strip down false pretenses of contentment and rebuild them on a sincerely personal level?  

(and how do you not do that alone?) 

disappear here

i am transparent touch.

felt, 

 forgotten - 

never held sincerely 

neither memory 

nor flesh. 

bound by existential 

forging. bound(aries)

need-want 

possession

saves me for your amnesia. 

a distance

i think that silence after sound is louder than no sound at all. 

brave enough to offer

take me there

deep under your bones

 (i want to be)

where the demand for human consistency 

is neutral 

where everyones skin

feels the same. 

like it's right

"One thing we do know: life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience? Because this is the experience you are having at this moment." 

- eckhart tolle 

like it's simple

a growing absence 

trapped, revolving dissatisfaction.

disillusion. 

magic lacking illusion. 

the perceived devoid of presence. 

or was it? i was there. i am her. 

the girl in the box, 

enough in parts. 

flawed as the whole. 

splintered in grey, 

outside the lines.

i am there. i was her.

fragments 

in the box, whole and splintered together.

i am this;

the show, the secret. 

  

 

tenth frame

can we be emotionally selfish? of course. but can we justify such selfishness? can we be so burdened by our unchanging, unfeeling, circumstances that we allow ourselves to take, with our minds and our impulses, what is not ours? 

and how is it possible to selectively adhere to certain emotions without the baggage of the resulting circumstances? 

its another compartment, sure, but compartments to neutralize moral objection? can we be so diluted by our own emotionally numbing minds that we forego the basic rules of engagement? what are the rules of attraction for the emotionally observant? 

i saw it coming. i knew what would happen. and i let it. does that make me a bad person? is it wrong to fully comprehend what one wants, one needs, what will happen, and then ignore the limitations set on a situation?

or was it already mine because of that inherent understanding? 

can you be morally objective in a cliche situation? can i justify my actions with my ability to see through people. 

so really can i justify my actions with his feelings? 

better yet, why don't i feel like i have to justify my actions to myself? don't i feel anything but more compartments separating and stacking? how can i feel so good about the good and lack feeling so bad about the bad and keep a focused eye on the big picture? 

that can't be normal. that won't allow another person room enough to get in. 

not a whole person.  

but how can i be content with taking fragments of people? how many pieces of a person do you need before you make them whole within yourself?

in 9 frames hideous; in the 10th beautiful. 

enough between them

Words, phrases, periods, commas, clichés, parts, self

 breast stroke through Keystone

                                                    aftertaste

                                                intoxicating on my neck

                                                a vampire bite

I don’t even know your last name

                                                In the dark

                                                spontaneity,

The mind lives for reprieve from anticipation.

                                                A dance with boundaries

                                                the Fred and Ginger of free falls.

How implausible to arrive at loneliness and feel the leaving of it

                                                simultaneously

                                                fleeting.

Advances of the flesh

                                                Persons pressed to parallel

A gesture of enough between them

                                                enough almost . .

                                                amazing but  . .  

                                                            if .. or .. when . .

conjunctions to poison hope,

for which the mind falls to a diet of despair. 

a warm warm touch

"It was a chase to show some emotion. I wasn't acting on passion i was simply acting. Because it seemed like the only thing to do."

- B.E. Ellis

The Rules of Attraction

but do i really feel that way? 

i couldn't find it today . . 

i threw myself at it and it wasn't there. 

nothing. 

which of course we know means everything.