heartcenter

there are some people that you will always recognize.

i took the span of last week to go back home. not home like my house, home like the place that shaped my person. my sense of self and purpose. (i went home to Dance)

as i had hoped, the people who shaped my person, self, purpose, also came home. and it was better.

i saw, in a small window, what i had and what i loved. and losing atmosphere and interpersonal connection is a lot like losing yourself. it took me a long time to realize that there is a mourning process for that - you can mourn the loss of familiarity, you can mourn change of self and place and people.

it's a condescending balance.
the give and take of change and resentment.


i saw it, for a few hours a day i could fool myself into thinking that nothing had changed. the delusion of familiarity gave me a profound amount of clarity that i would have otherwise assumed would set me back three years to a person a barely know.

funny thing, things weren't the same, not at all really. sure the people had grown, taller/wiser/more bitter/less optimistic, and that atmosphere was a skeleton of what i should have been - what it was.

and i am a skeleton of what i was. but that even remote recognition made me feel what i was missing, what i was looking for. it cannot be recreated, it cannot be found elsewhere it just is. was.

acknowledging that is somehow now enough. because this time i left loving where i've come from, not hating what it made me. what it destroyed for me.

so yes, sometimes people are enough;
if you let them be.