false alarm

we are all being held up to someone elses standards.
and we are all holding other people up to our standards.

it might be human nature, how can you objectivly look at someone when you know have expectations. high or low ones, they are still there , and they still effect your perception - we can't help it.

we all know it's there, and it't not going to change, but what happens when you are not enough? or too much?

what if all's you wanted was to put distance between yourself and someone else - is it selfish to steal against the failure you yourself faced in meeting another someone's deffinition of what they "need" ?

because they weren't what you needed but you wanted them for that exact reason, beacause what you need you don't want - for whatever reason.

it's always the same - the damned same.
and you would have let this one save you.
pity.

momentum

isn't it interesting how wanting something is enough.

enough to feel something, forget something, destroy something, loose something.
and it doesn't matter what you want either, could be you want to forget, distract, hurt, feel, fall, stand up, anything.

but in automatcally thinking about wanting something, isn't part of you hoping for destruction? even if it's on a small scale?
if you know you want something, you are wanting to want something. if you want to want it, do you really want it? or do you just want the justifcation of wanting.

- - did that make sense?
maybe.

it's thinking about something to much, probably because you don't trust yourself to make the right descision. when you look at someone elses problems it is easy to tell which is the right path and which is wrong. but yourself? - no so if you look at it from outside of your body you think you are helping yourself. not so.

your over thinking, if you think like you would and like someone else would, how will anything ever be accomplished.

it's trust
and promises.

what if you dont know you can make them?
trial and error hurts.

it's just one more person who wants to be saved, in a way - yes.
but in more ways, i think he wants to save me.

maybe that's what you want
or maybe it's just what i need.

- - but if you need it,
part of you must want it.

i'd rather chase the wind

upon asking for sanity with the morning
- although it's an extended process-
i guess it is, excuse the pun, dawning on me.

i have so much i want to work out semantically but it only comes out it minor fragments or rhyme scheme, scraps of meter, and awkward but desperately passionate motivation through space.

as frustrating as this is, i guess we'll call it cognitive writers block,
this is the only place i can get to tonight:

it's perfect,
like the weather.
mild predictability
in you
turning me
inside out.

i don't even know what that is supposed to mean.
don't you hate it when you don't even understand what you, yourself, write.
- but then isnt that also the beauty of poetry?

i'll make more sense soon,
if i weren't so superstitious about making promises i can't keep, i'd promise.
and isn't that significant in itself?
- and if you know you can't keep promises but you promise yourself, that knows this, anyway is it really making a promise?

maybe it's just hoping.

painted corners

i want to be everywhere and no where all at the same time.

. . .

isn't it interesting how things. . . events . . . can just exsist around you but - as much as you want to - you can't bring yourself to activate your senses and renter some form of "normal' conciousness.

the past two days have been a haze
as i have been so imersed in recognizing familiarity
and trying to find it a place in the things i am now trying to associate as familiar.

like any change
you don't want what you are learning to live without
to suddenly reappear

not so soon, there needs to be an adjustment period
wanting something for so long
and then flipping a switch and not wanting it
then being expected to flip that switch back
is impossible

it's selfish
human beings don't have switches

i wish i had gotten more than 2 hours of sleep this weekend
i wish i could stop the things revolving around me - i cant feel them
i wish i could feel something

- - interesting how i very rairly write in the first person, and tonight i have, i think that is noteable, though i have not found a good way to express the reason why. - - maybe in the morning.

yeah, morning.

- - i get it - this is first person because it means to much to put distance between this and a narrative voice. it's personal and it the one thing i have never denied to effect me. when i exile the use of the word "i" i can look on in a quazi objective light - this, is anything but objective.

the girl in your next song:

double edged
major/minor lies
leave my neck stained
from you,
a tounge bleeding prose.
in hunger you feed on me
superficial inspiration
hollow it escapes me.
sick on your breath
like smoke rings
through the speakers
fine lines
grey base
tremble the fixtures
in me
you are in me
an acoustic affair
beneath the strum
of 6 strings
tied to me
knoted in
selfish body heat
you wear
velvet gloves
to me
unlocking
and relocking me
lyrical shackles
and 88 keys

hmmm. . . it's not done yet?

just what pulls me in

if i did not dance, i would not breath.
so how can such a passion feed on something so unhealthy (my internal paradox) and feed such a horrifying insecurity i hold within myself?

i guess those emotions, fear, dread, want, are all the basis for passion. love.
and the principle emotions - give or take - can be applied to most situations,
there for making it a theory
right?

but is it healthy for such a dependancy to have the ability to push one towards everything that is dentrimental to a that person?
another person, a fear, a condition.

because sometimes it's completely internal, the enemy is your own mind, and sometimes the enemy is the only familiar face - the one you conect to "love". the throws of passion wear so many masks. who said that passion had a" good "conotation, it should and we all want it to, but is not passion just a fervent conviction?
a motivation through space.

are you running to or away from something?
and where should you be running?
hell, why are you running in the first place?

asking these questions, forces analysis upon the whole principle of passion and it's effect on an induvidual.
my thought process started at conviction . . . went to agression . . . running . . . to/from . . . fear.

but i guess that fear, that subconsious tendancy to run, is what keeps you hanging onto the passion and not falling victim to those darker things.

and fear could be a positive thing...if harnessed productivly.
are you afraid that you are not running away from something that you should be?
frozen in space, when you should be out of sight?
running to the very thing you should be running from?
or running from yourself?

you have to walk the lines, those fine lines, and you have to have fine lines to see both sides, to prioritize. to determin value. . . love.

and i guess that makes sense,
(thought i will revist and elaborate upon this theory when i have more time)
it's just hard to keep sight of all that
esspecially when on days like today
i look in the mirror.

ghosts still keep the bed warm

how is it that just by talking to someone
you can feel them slipping through your fingers?

and you know you have no control over it
you've never had control

paradoxically, with just the right words
they can lull you back into a false sense of security
or at the very least the security of longing.
of missing.

so how's it going to be?
you can't change and stay the same
and if an individual changes the relation ships he maintains
must be revised due simply to the fact that he is not the same person.

maybe underneath, the same, but the aspects being explored and moved into of their personality will be what you are reunited with.
i may or may not have contradicted above statement, but...

you can love who someone was
love what they are going to be

but when you don't know either, and you still love, where do you go?
what do you have to stand on?
when? when you love the person you know is there, but can't see?
yes, when you fall for the raw humanity of a person who supresses that rawness because he views it as vualnerability.

but you know it's there.
always have

a part of a human being that is so raw must still be there,
it's that part of a person that, at it's core, willnever change - just wear many masks.

but if the part you love is burried, can you still love what is exposed?
even it if is completely contradictory of what you love? even if you know it is a lie, show, wall.
how can you not?
but how can you?

so how about this:
you have loved this person that only you see - that is guised through reputation to the rest of the world - when you see this person again, even after a brief hiatus, or a long one,
won't you, regardless of cercumstance, see that person you fell for the first time?

isn't it natural to see what you want to see
even at just at first?

sure, because we are all looking to fullfill ourselves,
we all just want to feel. be inspired.

if you found it in somewhere once
you'll look again
even if it is just insurance, just superstion.
ritual.

maybe i am just looking to hard
afraid to abandon ritual - even harmfull ritual -
or maybe i just don't know what i am talking about.

poisoned, for the feeling

an internal paradox:

what i need to survive feeds only on that which kills me.

so really what i need to do is turn me weakness into a strenght
but i doing that i fear i would make every other aspect of my induvidual weaker.

and it's hard at a distance, memories arnt maliable and neither is the past.
turning around now would be the worst thing for me, but am i really any farther ahead from where i started?
no

sometimes i wonder why i even try
i think it comes from the desire to feel again.
yeah, thats it.

an intervention, a lullaby

circumstances make decsions for you.
other people who create circumstances make decsions for you.

but if every one is in control of someone elses cirumctances,
do you ever truely make your own decsion?
of course you do.

ok, so you make your own personal - all you're choice - decsion,
that effects someone else, you have added a variable to someone elses life/situation, that
- had you made a different/opposing decsion - would not have been there.

does that make sense?
everything effects something.
chaing reaction. cause and effect:

rudimentairy concepts taught in elementary schools
to children to niave to grasp the profundancy of the contept.

so...this decsion is made for you (unbeknownst to your knowledge)
and your reaction is to fight it, natuarl instinct, anything we have not decided for ourselves, personally, attacks our principles of self advocacy that have been shoved down our throats since we can remember.

you cant change the circumstance, and frankly if you had been there, the same conclusion would have been reached.
the only differance is that you would have had the peace of mind that you had a say in your surroundings.
the peace of compromise, and self advocacy, that you have so systimaticly been robbed of.

having analyzed this on a small scale reffering to a shedualing problem, could the concept not be applied to a broader cirumstance, say polotics or even - if you stretch it, physics - although my knowledge of either topic is slim and patheticly lacking conviction.

it was just a thought
and more a lecture to myself on perspective and the like.

crawl right through me

how is it that a person miles and hours away can feel closer
than they did when they were right next to you?

and how can you still be within their grasp
even though you can't see them for miles?

small sentances, expertly placed words,
have more of a significant impact than i would have thought.
- as has been proved by my last two entries -

or maybe i knew it and closed my ears to it before,
because i didn't want to hear it.
now for some reason, they are the only things i hear.

-perception? interesting.

simple words bring things back - blocked memories.
bring things down - walls.

and send you back ten spaces on the game board.
do not pass go.
do not collect two hundred dollars.
draw four.
sorry!

"lady luck."
that bitch.

is it a . . . weakness?
wishfull thinking? am i actually hearing things? just talking to myself?

or is it just a longing for familiarity?


it may be all of the above.
but it would be even worse to ignore the fact that it was there, correct?
even if it hurts?
repeatedly.

priorites and trust.

grey areas and strings.

does this ever get easier?
would you want it to even if it did?

the fortune teller's right

interesting...how with two sentences one person can ruin an entire relationship.
even if the relationship - i guess i should say aquaintance to get the point across- was short
it still matters. everyone you meet should matter.

and if things become a matter of ritual, or dependancy, shouldn't they be significant?
you would think.

i guess it is almost impossible to know how much a person puts into a "relationship".
i use the word lightly, to mean relations between two people, not at all romantic, esspecially not now.
ritual, i thought, should be a good indication that there is repetivite and equal work going into said relation, but i was wrong.
what else is new?

is it not atleast common sense to tred carefully on the topic of the meaning refering to a whole time spent together, as to not do what was just done. shatter it. completly destroy any illusion or memory of a particular person, any significant event.


it's things breaking as they fade away...
or after they are out of sight.

it's not fair to dig it back up and break it appart.
damnit.

esspecially when you can't even imagine what you are doing to the person on the other end of the phone line.

that's why i hung up.
[ a goodbye isn't a promise, and sometimes you don't deserve one. ]

it comes back to "knowing" people, and then finding out otherwise.
it's trusting, and walls and ritual.

guess the walls were higher than i thought
to bad that came to my attention after i tried to scale them

you can't save people,
and i keep trying.

i'll learn eventually,
or maybe you just did.

over my shoulder

i hate to write when i have nothing new to say.
redundancy and all that.

so i'll let steve martin explain the revelation someone to this day has yet to be able to explain to me. and after four years, this is the closest i can get.
i think he'd agree.

"He feels a loss as he watches her walk away. How is it possible, he thinks, to
miss a woman he kept at a distance so that when she was gone he would not miss
her. . ."

buying lines

you tell yourself not to want something.
- - so of course, you want it all the more.

it's cliche: we want what we can't have.

it's this familiar feeling
that the more i tell myself
not to look for/ expect this
the more i will.

i know my hopes are piling
and for that reason
i know they will fall.

because they always do.
because every situation is familiar and stale
(and apparently i was more jaded than i thought?)

i can't even stand to listen to myself...

hello self fulfilling prophecy, how are you?
why i'm fine thanks, glad you've invited me back
but of course, i've missed you. how long was it you were away?
o only a matter of weeks dear.

it's rediculous how much i think.
and then, when i should be thinking, when the moment is primed for premeditated thought, i become spontaneous.
and get myself in these places.

circular and redundant thought,
not to mention cliche
- it almost makes me sick.

you're going through the motions.
but there is still that nostaligic aftertaste in the back of my throat.
- the one that tastes like: "this will all fall apart"
(he'll run just as you start to see him clearly)

because just as soon as you start to want something
is about the time you don't need it anymore
or it doesn't need you anymore

or, is it that about the time you don't need anymore is about the time you realized you did, at one point not so long ago - need it.

but something in me says i still need this,
if nothing more i need insipiration.
if nothing less i need a reprieve from this empty/ numbness.

maybe i should just shut up. [ and stop thinking? ]
maybe.