Fuck Hypocrates

post secret here:

i'm not you.

The Fires We Set

how do you truely know what you need?
and why is it so necissary that it is different, in some ways, from what you want?
because what i have makes me happy.
for the first time in a long time
but my mind wont shut up...replaying hypothetical situations:

what if he were to come around?
what if he were to come back?

what if he says he loves me again...can i say i dont still feel the same?

is that bad?
to not be ever completly out of love...i think it is normal (er has the same problem)

but i do believe it is a hard concept to expect anyone else to comprehend

so why say anything at all?

what if we're never really safe
from all the fires we set?

and what if it doesn't matter
as long as we are happy in the moment

i want this one to fit
and to work
don't let me be like him...what ever happens

b/c what if i am no worse than he ever was...what then?
everything i hate i am...thats what...and how do you save yourself from that?

how do you save yourself from yourself
i almost wished i would have gotten the bug...i mean that way i wouldn't have to eat.
i almost enjoy that i'm-going-to-puke-feeling i get when he comes back around
atleast then i won't want to eat.

and that is bad...and it scares me.
who am i?
sometimes i wonder
and sometimes i know all to well...

that's the curse

really,
i am jealous that she has the strength to maker herself do it.
wish i knew how.

and that is the terrifying part...

2 AM, must be lonely

still
still...still
standing, driping.
everything rolling down those cursed curves
i'm human
and i hate
humans?
they make mistakes.

poetic curse
words handcuffed to emotion
even out of the womba
metaphorical cacoon.

technical and frail
wating for a rhym to fail.
nothing starts as intended to end
words morph
meteres change in a free style life
reality doesn't rhyme
a lesson to be learned in time.
have i learned mine?

fucking rhyme.
is it a crime?
to want to rhyme?
decidedly so.
a funk
in color
jade

syllables?
meter!
an end rhyme,singular
...does it prove my point?
alitterations alerts attentive audiences,
alright?

fuck your conventions
you can smile and be dark
anger is a passion
dependable...strong.

still.

betrayal is a bridge
we all walk
i am human yes, i make mistakes
get over yourself
prick your finger
sleep your way out of my life.

still...still
blending in
still
keep still and they won't sting

dirty little secret

all right everyone bleeds
all right the panic recedes
all right i get what i need
and...
nobody needs to know


my fear: i am no different that he is.

rehtorical questions

glued on
patent-leather smiles
hold eachother
desperate

beached (on)
solid ground to die awhile
a strangers skin
you lie in

stubborn
baking in a freezing heat
faithfully jade
stay away

a good point:
am i afraid to be bored?
to be comfortable?
but am i really comfortable if it's not completly right.
but it doesn't need to be completly right.

to much touching.
it'll end up just like before
why do i bother when there is only one that seems to fit?

but you know there are other ones that fit
that is why you keep picking these ones
more walls

a maze

labyrinth.

{i think i'll write a poem with that theme/title, even}

safe.
because i need someone to drag me kicking and screaming into falling in love
and he won't be it.
what am i doing?
why, why not?

i have a rehtorical question complex...you've noticed.

how long can you pretend this time?
you have a 3 month record...lets see

make it to may...then decided.

right?

is that fair?
what is fair about this?

it'll become physical...i dont want that

there is no lust
no love...thank goodness

and if he says it...i'll bolt...i know i will

i can't hear that from anyone...not yet...not when i know that we are too younge
when i know he is just saying that b/c he thinks he should

and i cant take that.

b/c i have only been able to say it once
and i ment it
but not again
not know
not in this situation

what is this?
not terribly deep and sofisticated...sorry.

i'll do better next time...

"ain't" that the truth.

ha.

what's left?

maybe it's just that i need someone not to give up on me
or run away from me.
someone to drag me kicking and screaming into love
into belief
into a faith in someone else again.

everything keeps falling away from me
all emotionally susquent pieces of my life
so why put faith in emotion?
why when it is only going to be ripped away from you?

the studio
the him
the feelings
the self worth
the insperation
the hate
the fear, even

what's left?
what's worth it?
how do i even try again...how, after a while, do you not blame yourself?
not the "him" 's not the situations, not the authorities or cercumstanstes, but yourself.

make me hollow
make me love the hunger
let me find religion in the mirrior
let me be blindly healed

why not?

not again...

The words that you say all patronize,

paralize.

Big brown eyes.

a Coffin, a Funk

Living happily ever after-
a kind of coffin
a kind of blue funk.
Is it not?

(Anne Sexton0n)


to say that you could feesably love everyone else around you but the one you with is such an internal hollowness. is it true? could you love these other men?
some of them, maybe. but most of them are a symbol.
a freedom that you have never truely been with out.
that, possibly, you are ready to be without.
but are you ready to be without it here?

i am, on the outside, positive that this is the relationship i am ready to plung into.
that this is the commitment i am ready for.
but what if it is just another wall.

can walls be built subconsiously?
is anything truely subconsious once it is realized?
how awkward, metacognition.

what if you turn around and fall right back where you were?
you assure yourself that it is hate. but how can it be?
are you strong enough to hate him?...were you ever strong enough to love him in the first place?

this time, you assure yourself, you simply went out and got what you wanted
you didnt wait to be chased. you didn't play things coi. there was no game.
but is that what you wanted.
because arn't you just like him?
full of adrenaline when you have to dodge and chase
but what when you are caught?
maybe the problem is, you have never finished the game.
like little children, when the game gets tedious or boring they pack it messily into the box and scamper away to the next activity.
the twister matt is wrinkled, the monopoly money unorganized, the revolver and candle stick missing.

missing.
is it ok to be missing part of yourself
and at the same time to expect someone to cater to your whole self?
it that missing self inturn, selfish?
How.

how might this one stranger,
this name you have known for so long to inhabbit other circles,
have you so well characterized?
why should that mean anything.
it should not?

you wanted a mask
here it is
your an actress?
here, a sene to play.

leave no mistake,
you don't want to be in love.


who is this - 'you' ?
what do 'you' know of this 'self' ?
precious little.

Something New

Coffee at Midnight...
it's a good thing, coffee, but midnight is hardly the right time to consume a caffinated beverage.
I feel as though that is how things have been going in my life lately: good things but never at the right time.