nothing to one

with poison pen

your addendum inked

an epitaph carved in rhyme

sweat black down the page

my fatal sent

choked by veils

shear, revealing

a Mata Hari and her monster.

a long fairwell to the hunger strike.

i'm a prisoner,
cuffed to familiar
with an almost belief
not a enough for religion.
you're the quicksand
of expectation
suffocating under skeletons,
the weight of wasted time.
i almost meant
what i didn't say
to save this place;
rescue possibility.
what we were in the mirror,
neither adequate nor compatible,
clowns among traitors.
we were always dancing alone.

keep me without chains

some one asked me what the difference between being alone - lonely - and isolated was and how could one escape it. i couldn't give an immediate nor decisive answer.

is isolation a byproduct of loneliness or just being alone? and then, is alone something you choose or a circumstance?

it seems to me that isolation is a choice. people don't choose to be lonely, or the feelings that go along with it ( ie. desperation, self pity, etc.). where as i would view isolation as intentional.

on the other hand, some may say they are forced to choose isolation because they force themselves to be alone (this i observed from one of 'my clients'). when one is so (self)absorbed with invisible "demons" how can one maintain a healthy connection with those on the outside. and how can those on the outside be expected to understand?

the conclusion i came to, when answering the above inquirer, is something i learned from one of my mentors when i was interning. ' when people hurt enough, they will change their own circumstance.'

that concept struck me profoundly: when people hurt enough. profound because "enough" is a measure of personal discretion.

enough is a finality, hard for the human conscience to accept. a point that many avoid. because realizing that something that has sustained you is also hurting you - and there for the pain you are feeling is self-inflicted - is debilitating.

but if you can get someone past a certain period of self loathing, or guilt then you can get them to the point of self healing. and is that not the ultimate goal? whether it's addiction, abuse, or simply desperately self inflicted lust or loveless love.

it always strikes me how all encompassing human complexity is.

"stay sugar, stay"

think of how little thought we put into everyday confrontation. when they're broken down interpersonal relationships are relatively complicated.

this, i realize, is basic psych. 101 stuff but it's one of those common sense subjects that we overlook because it's a natural part of our everyday. why dwell on what we think we already understand.

just because we understand something does not mean we can express the concept to other people, this dawned on me while at work doing exactly that: teaching people how to rebuild interpersonal relationships.

we had the group members break apart the objective, relationship, and self consequence of each interaction, analyze them and prioritize them. what was interesting was that these people, who have been inside their own heads selfishly immersed in addiction., still chose to preserve the relationship with the other involved than to get what they wanted or preserve their own self satisfaction.

this made me think that we are ingrained to need other people, that whether we know it or not we protect relationships on an instinctual level. to survive. this, it is apparent applies even relations of an unhealthy nature - especially ones of an unhealthy nature, simply because the emotional exchange is not as seamless/ more intricate and less subtle.

we need interpersonal connection to survive, not matter how much effort ones puts into denial and independence, and that is why even if we hurt we stay. because we need something to hold on too. we, as living, feeling, beings, need an exchange of emotions and an external expression of thought and feeling.

trust is there for survival? how else can we justify turning the same old painful situations over and over, granting trust to those who disappoint time and time again. maybe this is part of the reason. i'm willing to believe it.

for atmosphere:

how much of our emotions are simply situational?

par example,
you are at a funeral for a family member who might as well have been a familiar stranger yet you are overcome with grief, and you cry and show appropriate - ingrained - emotion at the service.

do you show emotion out of guilt? or compensation? or just because you know you should?

still more common place, what about ambition?
you've wanted something for the greater part of your life, and are ravishly encouraged to go after it, but when you begin to take action those supportive people start putting up the emotional caution tape. "we believed in you until we actually thought you'd try it"
if you all of a sudden doubt yourself were you simply feeding off the enthusiasm of those around you? or did you really love what you were doing?

ie. did i dance because people told me i was good at it or because i loved it. do i need it or just want to need it? and if i need it like i have always believed i do, then why does what anyone else says matter?

am i discouraged and all of a sudden doubting the practicality of my dreams because people and producers are telling me too? do i have conscious control as to what i feel when the atmosphere says to give up? and if that is what the atmosphere says; then is the emotional direction i choose to go - either fight harder or give up - reflective of my character?

what about relationships?
an old and unsuccessful flame all of a sudden looks more than appealing because everyone around you is in a successful and comfortable relationship. should circumstance alone make me feel lonely? and if so, is it possible that this selfconscious loneliness is projected onto circumstances that don't include "happy" couples?

how do you know if that's what you really want. is feeling alone and horny cause enough to re-enter a stable but already proven unsuccessful relationship?
better yet, if these doubts are supported by those around you and these tentative ideas of a reprise are embraced whats to stop you from not wanting it.

so really i just want to know how in control of my emotions i am. and if one is predisposed to uncertainty before confronting a situation how do you make an emotionally sound decision one way or the other?

cards stacked against us? or are we stacked against ourselves?

black cat philosophy

i did alot of travling last month which was, as it turns out, a waste my time.
ironically, i am right back where i started - maybe even a little farther behind than that:


does it humble me
when i drop for you
like storms of glass
in jagged collections
you save for me

your eyes soaked caffine black
i beam with hesitation
a mirror image
our persons pressed to parallel

in us there's a joker
both masters of the trade
clear judgement in the water
the actor and abuser
lusting objective and estranged.

sword and sheild

" the devil you know is safer than the chance you take with something new."

. . of course we are drawn to familiar things, but i think that we can also be drawn to things, people, even situations that we otherwise steal ourselves away from until they are right in front of us.

you say to your self that you will stay away, you won't go back, you don't want "this." but then you run right back to it anyway.

but you know, its safe territory, its ritual. etc. etc.

still, i think it's more than that.
maybe we fall into patterns - not even patterns we like or want - but patterns that are subconscious.

you keep people at bay with physical affection because it is easier than going through the whole emotional connection cycle.
you'd rather be alone and wanting. because if you are wanting something at least you are inspired. when you have what you want you fall into the ritual of comfort and therefor you loose yourself to this thing - this want - and you are unimpassioned.

because having what you want is a much less pleasing a thing than wanting.

and because it is human nature to want and to be impassioned. and one finds purpose in wanting and achieving . . therefor never being satisfied with acquiring what they want.

but then does this not make fidelity a moot point?
and if fidelity is a moot point then what else is? the foundation of human principles of familiarity and satisfaction are negated by our general inclination to constantly want.

so does that make us selfish? or does that make us human?

and if it makes us human . . whats that. really?

oh, hush hush . . voices carry

how is it that in attempting to solve a problem i have become the forbearing force behind it?

i am an "approachable person"
people "trust my judgement and advice"

- i have chosen the correct field of study, this i realize -

but what happens when, because these are your friends, you get too close. when it goes from "i have a perfect relationship but want to say this . . " to "i want out" and " i have realized i have stronger emotions else where"

and you know. you know exactly how good it would be if things were different.
but how do you remain an objective confidant when there is that under current? that tension.

this does not happen in clinical psychology because you patients start out as strangers - at least that is what would make sense to me. . snd the minuet i get out into the real practice i am sure that is inccorect but in a perfect world that would seem reasonable.

but this is different, and your lonely, and you're a little lost right now, and you're consumed by wanting fulfilment. so your natural inclination is to give in to these feelings you have started unearthing and finding reciprocated.

. . but can't and won't act on.

so then there is the flip side:

how do you forgive the inclination to turn back to something you had, because you know you are wanted. but you didn't really want this something, per say, the first time . . it just filled some space. so now you are not only looking to fill space but to keep yourself fenced in. and that's not "fair". but reasonably tempting. if you can restore some sense of order, and prevent emotional catastrophe then maybe you could lull yourself into something old for sanity's sake. no?

maybe too, you just want to prove that the reason it fell apart the first time wasn't your fault. or that you can fix your emotions to conform to simplicity for the next 5 months. or is it that you want to go back and take fault for things you can justify. to prevent further fault on your part in a new situation. familiar guilt is better than uncharted guilt right?

but whether it's familiar or desired or spontaneous it's always the what-ifs that keep you turning around.

or keep you tied down.

mock me with praise

i haunt a smoke screen game
ember red hands,
trail black ash lies
a succubus to posses your lust
poisoned porcelain bite
fire in my eyes to burn you
melt like wax for me
I'll shape you into
who ever you want to be
dance in the darkness
don't hold out here
you stole me
wrapped my attention
and purged me
from a Novocaine state
arrested to this
dried heat
this disorienting fog
embarrassingly kidnapped
to the hope
you'll teach me to feel.

i won't be your winter

it's so cold here.
literally and metaphorically:

the snow is so high and blowing so far that you can't see a foot in front of your face, we're class canceled and housebound for the remainder of the night.

on the metaphorical hand, i feel so drained and numb that i can't see a foot beyond anything/one, i drift through routine actives and interpersonal association on autopilot.

if feel like if someone knows they can't make you smile sincerely then they won't find you enticing enough to commit emotional effort to . . or maybe that's my problem.

i don't deem anyone worth getting my hopes up for. (or if i do, i quickly find out that i was wrong.)

how is it that as a person who is prepared to spend her life connecting with people, can't even see the sincerity in the people she has surrounded herself with for the past four - six years?
is it just that you know what to expect? it's boring, unexciting, because know you have know that what you re looking for is something other than what you have.

but if you can't get over that, how are you going to survive these next few months? you have to force yourself to hope? because if you give up looking, you'll be alone. . but looking too hard leaves you alone as well - probably lonelier.

alone is not bad, but to much time inside your own head is, and lonely is five steps away from desperate, which is right around the corner from drunken flirting and a load of poor decisions related to the prior.

so to renew your hope in something you put yourself back out there and get attached, only to realize that who this something see's is not you. - or not how you want to be seen - because you're not feeling, and you always know when you are purposefully hardening yourself to a situation. we all have an asshole we bring out to deal with these kinds of situations, and that's what people see.

i'm detached and frequently face the inability to feel anyone, ive become less approachable . . those are things that i have never been. and maybe it's just that i am waiting for someone to see it, and pull me out of it. but who i am i to rely on other people that way? how selfish, right?

you have to get beyond the coldness, the hard defense mechanism that is routine. and even for a little while, find someone that makes you want to change. there is something to be said for seeing personal potential . . you're old self will always be there . . i know who i was, know i want to know who i am. i think that's fair.


in conclusion, my thoughts have become circular, and consequently redundant.

a two seated vehical

how is it we, as a general speices, keep a lid on temptaion. yes, conscience is a strong arguement, but so is self satisfaction . . what stops us from acting on impulses we know we can get away with?

maybe we like being tempted, enjoy wanting and chasing so much that the catch is underminingly meaningless.
but when one is consumed in the chase, in the flirting and the game playing, does it not make sense for one to be consequently unfuliflled?

and yes, unfulifillment can be intentional for whatever reason but it gets old fast and it takes alot to rely completly on yourself and love happy best friends. eventually you need another person. if nothing more than for a boost of self worth and consistent companionship.

i don't think that being with someone means loving them, or atleast it does not require the intention of loving someone. sometimes its just easier to be the other person.

a consistent "other" person. because relying on a handfull of "booty calls" and once-a-month jackasses leaves something to be desired.

and once you realize that you "desire" more, you will no longer be fulfilled with what you have been living off of. and i guess that makes sense.

i've been a believer that consistency seals love, but the consistency of inconsistency - i am willing to believe - seals bitterness.
in seeking a constant, am i seeking love? - probably - but do you have to want what you are seeking, do you even have to be conscious of it? - no - i'd be willing to believe that unconscious want is something like wishful thinking, we know it's important, but cast it aside.

so maybe if i start to give in to my desire for consistency and less to the inclination that is the chase, i'll land somewhere i should be.
and maybe end up happy, and if not then nothing more than satisfied will do.

leftout greys

if you did not value something the first time you had it, say you just used it for a superficial distraction the first time, how can this same something have value a year later?

when you face the same person, the same general scenario after you've been removed, but not necessarily disassociated from it, how do you not give in to the same perception as before.

is it bad to put yourself into a situation that you have complete control over? simply because you can't seem to control anything else around you.
you purposely search for something to hold on to, some form of mild consistency, just because everything else has disappointed you, changed and slipped away.

or is it worse, that these same feelings ( restlessness, frustration, loneliness, inadequacy, lust, ) lead you to grasp onto false hopes and hold on for dear life.

on one hand, you will be disappointed because you are unfulfilled, bored. and on the other, you'll be waiting and boarding the emotional roller coaster that is hope for the umpteenth time.

either way, only 5 months until i'm gone from here for good.

so i ask myself why it matters. .
and i know that it's simply because
i want it to matter.

it's as though, currently, i am bidding my time. waiting for everything - due to circumstance out of induvidual control - so what about now? what happens to the "me" sitting here right now, who doesn't have anything together.
knowing what you want and having faith you can get it is one thing. but knowing what you want and having to wait for a piece of paper and a plane ride is another.

what happens now? all i know is that i am not feeling anything, except for restless inadequacy, and desperate frustration, i've fallen to a diet of lackluster poetry and cheap beer.

there's more than this. .
something to matter to me, something new and right now.

please, don't you walk away

what's tangible has motion lines
rapid and blurry
a single sound you spin around
watching, reaching, out of habit
envelope consistency
like Alice and the rabbit
chasing what refuses to be caught
sand escapes extremities
reality numbed
watching for too much to care
letting go to feel it
be it
in it
as it slips away

do you ever feel like we're running out of time?
(and not the other way around. . )